TEASERS
Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, well consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I thin k I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Job Descriptions
1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.
3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.
6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isnt there.
7. A topologist is a someone who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
10. A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep.
11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
COMA
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when
he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Confession
A man is on his deathbed, and his wife is sitting by his side.
The man says to the wife: "Hon, I have to tell you something."
The wife replies: "Yes, you can tell me anything."
Man: "I slept with your sister"
Wife: "I know"
Man: "And your mom"
Wife: "I know"
Man: "I also slept with your secretary, Mary"
The wife puts a finger to his mouth and says "I know, my darling, now just relax and let the poison work".
Stupid Questions
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? Theyre both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesnt he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
THE WINNING JOKE
After much careful scrutiny, we (the Laughlab.com) are proud to announce our winning joke. This joke received higher ratings than any other gag.
Drum roll…..
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
The Husband Store!
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4, 363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!
******************************************************
YOU HAVE TWO COWS....................
TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.
INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.
PAKISTANI ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military
aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs Japan for
equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim
exploitation by the world.
AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows &
naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
you wage war to save the world and grab the cows.
FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years,
eat once a month and milk themselves.
BRAZILIAN COW
You have two cows.
Whenver they breed the third, you
arrange for soccer tournament and
the winning team gets it.
BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.
ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
JAMAICAN COW
You have two cows.
You feed them with the same weed
that you smoke. Listen to Reggae
music and wonder when the number will
turn to three
SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called
Cowkimon and market them
worldwide.
RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of
vodka.
CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity
and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
NIGERIAN ECONOMICS: {FEDERAL}
You have two cows
You eat one and claim it was stolen
Call in the Police to investigate
Police arrested everyone living within 100km
Torture them thoroughly until someone admitted
kidnapping the cow
The police instead collected one cow each from
everybody arrested
You have your cow back and the Police now owns a
cattle farm.
{TRIBES}
YORUBA ECONOMICS
You have two cows
U kill them both
And throw an owambe party!
IBO ECONOMICS
You have two cows
U make very good counterfeits of them
And sell for the price of the real cows!
HAUSA ECONOMICS
You have two cows
You rear them till they are four
Make sure ur kids rear cows too
And just maintain!
It's only a joke folks !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*A man was out walking when he fell over the edge of a cliff. As he hurtled towards the ground, he just managed to hang on to a protruding tree branch. Staring down at a 200-foot drop to almost certain dearth, he cried out: “Help me, please! Is anybody up there?”
A deep voice came back: “Yes, my son, I am up here.”
“Who is it?” called the man.
“Its is the Lord.”
“Can you help me?”
“Certainly, my son. Just let go of the branch and I will catch you”
The man thought for a moment, then shouted: “Is anybody else up there?”
(This is an oldie but a goodie)
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued ... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART....
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine
We dey too!
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!
**************************************************************************
A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !
Ike Ofoche
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs this list to live by
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brainteaser
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahuwa’s Interview
Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.
After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.
ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
Ponderables
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.
NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?
email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
The Magician
There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"
This joke submitted by: Lionhart724
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.
"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."
This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Woman Author Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back Up?
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break In!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
LES PLUS GRANDES ÉNIGMES DE TOUTES LES FOIS
Automatically translated into French thanks to WorldLingo
ÉNIGMES
Le petit
garçon de la politique A va chez son papa et demande, « ce qui est la politique ? Le »
papa dit, « fils bon, m'a laissé essayer de l'expliquer de cette façon : Im le soutien de famille de la famille, laisse ainsi m'appeler capitalisme. Votre maman, shes l'administrateur de l'argent, ainsi puits l'appellent le gouvernement. Étaient ici prendre soin de vos besoins, ainsi appel de puits vous le peuple. La bonne d'enfants, puits la considèrent la classe ouvrière. Et votre frère de bébé, puits l'appellent le futur. Maintenant, pensez au cela et voyez si ce sens de marques, «
ainsi le petit garçon va au loin enfoncer penser à quel papa avait dit. Plus tard que nuit, il entend son frère de bébé pleurer, ainsi lui se lève au contrôle sur lui. Il constate que le bébé a sévèrement sali sa couche-culotte. Ainsi le petit garçon va à sa pièce de parents et trouve son bruit de mère endormi. Ne voulant pas la réveiller, il va à la salle de nannys. Trouvant la porte fermée à clef, il jette un coup d'oeil dans le trou de la serrure et voit son père dans le lit avec la bonne d'enfants. Il abandonne et va de nouveau au lit. Le matin suivant, le petit garçon dit à son père, le « papa, I k mince je comprends le concept de la politique maintenant. » Le père dit, « bon fils, me disent que dans vos propres mots ce que vous pensez la politique est tout au sujet de. » Le petit garçon répond, « bien, alors que le capitalisme visse la classe ouvrière, le gouvernement est endormi sain, le peuple est ignoré et le futur est dans la merde profonde. »
Descriptions des fonctions
1. Un banquier est un camarade qui vous prête son parapluie quand le soleil brille et le veut en arrière la minute où il commence à pleuvoir.
2. Un économiste est un expert qui saura demain pourquoi les choses qu'il a prévues hier ne se sont pas produites aujourd'hui.
3. Un statisticien est quelqu'un qui est bon avec des nombres mais manque de la personnalité pour être un comptable.
4. Un actuaire est quelqu'un qui apporte une bombe fausse sur un avion, parce que ce diminue les chances qu'il y aura une autre bombe sur l'avion.
5. Un programmeur est quelqu'un qui résout un problème que vous n'avez pas su que vous avez eu dans une manière vous ne comprenez pas.
6. Un mathématicien est comme un homme aveugle dans une salle foncée recherchant un chat noir qui n'est pas là.
7. Un topologist est quelqu'un qui ne sait pas la différence entre une tasse de café et un beignet.
8. Un avocat est une personne qui écrit un document de 10.000 mots et l'appelle un « dossier. »
9. Un psychologue est quelqu'un qui observe chacun autrement quand une belle fille entre dans la salle.
10. Un professeur a un ans qui parle dans quelqu'un le sommeil d'elses.
11. Un conseiller est quelqu'un qui prend la montre outre de votre poignet et te dit le temps.
12. Un comité est un corps qui garde des minutes et gaspille des heures.
Le mari
de la femme du COMA A avait glissé dans et hors d'un coma pendant plusieurs
mois, pourtant elle était restée à côté de son chevet chaque seul jour. Un jour, quand
il s'est finalement réveillé, il a fait signe pour qu'elle vienne plus étroitement.
Pendant qu'elle s'asseyait par lui, est-ce qu'il a-t-il chuchoté, observe-t-il complètement des larmes, « vous savent ce qui ? Vous
avez été avec moi tout par les mauvais temps. Quand j'ai obtenu mis le feu, vous étiez
là pour me soutenir. Quand mes affaires ont échoué, vous étiez là. Quand j'ai obtenu
le projectile, vous étiez par mon côté. Quand nous avons perdu la maison, vous êtes resté exact ici.
Quand ma santé a commencé à échouer, vous étiez toujours par mon côté. Vous savez ce qui ? «
« Quels chers ? » Elle a doucement demandé, souriant comme son coeur a commencé à remplir
de chaleur.
« Je pense que vous portez malheur. »
L'homme
de la confession A est sur son lit de mort, et son épouse s'assied par son côté.
L'homme dit à l'épouse : « Hon, je dois te dire quelque chose. »
Les réponses d'épouse : « Oui, vous pouvez me dire quelque chose. »
Homme : « J'ai dormi épouse avec votre soeur
» : « Je connais »
l'homme : « Et épouse de votre maman
» : « Je connais »
l'homme : « J'ai également dormi avec votre secrétaire, Mary »
l'épouse met un doigt à sa bouche et dit que « je sais, mon chéri, juste détends maintenant et laisse le poison fonctionner ».
Questions stupides
1. Pourquoi votre gynécologue part-il de la salle quand vous vous déshabillez ?
2. Si une personne possède un morceau de terre, le possèdent-ils que toute manière avalent au centre de la terre ?
3. Pourquoi la femme biseautée a-t-elle mis leur mascara dessus avec leur bouche fermée ?
4. Pourquoi est il a appelé des alcooliques anonymes quand la première chose que vous est se lèvent et indique
« salut, mes noms Bob. Im un alcoolique " ?
5. Si vous joigniez un bouledogue avec un Shitsu obtiendriez-vous une connerie ?
6. Pourquoi sont-ils appelés intérieur mais étapes d'escaliers dehors ?
7. Pourquoi y a-t-il une lumière dans le réfrigérateur mais pas dans le congélateur ?
8. Pourquoi l'eau minérale que s'est écoulée goutte à goutte par des montagnes pendant des siècles
avoir une utilisation à la date ?
9. Pourquoi les grille-pain ont-ils toujours un arrangement sur eux quelles brûlures votre pain grillé
à des chips horribles personne mangerait ?
10. Qui était la première personne pour regarder une vache et est-ce que parole « je pense la compression malade ces dangly choses ici et bois ce qui sort » ?
11. Que les gens en Chine appellent-ils leurs bons plats ?
12. Si le professeur sur l'île de Gilligans peut fabriquer une radio à partir d'une noix de coco, pourquoi pente fixent-il un trou dans un bateau ?
13. Pourquoi Goofy se tient-il sur deux jambes quand Pluton reste allumé quatre ? Theyre les deux chiens.
14. Qu'appelez-vous les ballerines masculines ?
15. Peut aveugler des personnes voient leurs rêves et rêvent-elles ?
16. Si le coyote de Wile E a assez d'argent à par toute cette merde de point culminant pourquoi pas il achetez son dîner ?
17. Pourquoi une personne que les poignées est-elle de l'argent ont appelée un sponsoriser ?
18. Si les jeux sont railleurs, quels sont des essais ?
19. Si l'huile de maïs est faite à partir du maïs et l'huile végétale est faite à partir des légumes. À partir de quoi de l'huile de bébé est-elle faite ?
20. Si un homme marche dans une forêt et aucune femme n'est là pour entendre qu'il est lui font du tort toujours ?
21. Pourquoi est il que qui quand quelqu'un t'indique que les milliards de theres de tient le premier rôle dans l'univers,
vous les croient. Mais s'ils t'indiquent des theres peinture humide quelque part devez-vous la toucher ?
22. Pourquoi l'appelez-vous un asteroïde quand son extérieur l'hémisphère, pourtant l'appellent hemorrhoid quand son dedans votre âne ?
23. Avez-vous jamais noté que si vous soufflent dans des chiens lui font face devient fou, pourtant quand vous le prenez sur un tour de voiture colle-t-il son droit principal dehors la fenêtre ?
LA PLAISANTERIE de GAIN
après examen minutieux beaucoup soigneux, nous (Laughlab.com) sommes fiers d'annoncer notre plaisanterie de gain. Cette plaisanterie a reçu des estimations plus élevées que n'importe quel autre bâillon.
Roulement de tambour .....
Un couple des chasseurs de New Jersey est dehors dans les bois quand l'un d'entre eux des chutes à la terre. Il ne semble pas respirer, ses yeux sont roulés en arrière dans sa tête. L'autre type fouette dehors son téléphone portable et appelle les services de secours. Il halète à l'opérateur : « Mon ami est mort ! Ce qui peut je faites ? » L'opérateur, dans une voix calmante calme dit : « Prise juste il facile. Je peux aider. D'abord, s'assurons qu'il est mort. » Il y a un silence, puis un projectile est entendu. La voix du type revient sur la ligne. Il dit : « CORRECT, maintenant ce qui ? »
Le magasin de mari !
Un magasin qui vend des maris s'est juste ouvert à New York City, où une femme peut aller choisir un mari. Parmi les instructions à l'entrée est une description de la façon dont le magasin fonctionne. Vous pouvez visiter le magasin SEULEMENT UNE FOIS !
Il y a six planchers et les attributs des hommes augmentent pendant que le client monte les vols. Il y a, cependant, un crochet. . .. vous pouvez choisir n'importe quel homme d'un plancher particulier, ou vous pouvez choisir de monter un plancher, mais vous ne pouvez pas retourner vers le bas excepté pour sortir le bâtiment ! Ainsi, une femme va au magasin de mari pour trouver un mari. .
Sur le premier étage le connecter que la porte lit :
Plancher 1 - Ces hommes ont les travaux et aiment le seigneur.
Le deuxième signe de plancher lit :
Plancher 2 - Ces hommes ont les travaux, aiment le seigneur, et des enfants d'amour.
Le troisième signe de plancher lit :
Plancher 3 - Ces hommes ont les travaux, aiment le seigneur, aiment des enfants, et sont extrêmement beaux.
« Défaut de la reproduction sonore, » elle pense, mais se sent compulsive pour continuer à aller.
Elle va au quatrième plancher et le signe lit :
Plancher 4 - Ces hommes ont les travaux, aiment le seigneur, aiment des enfants, sont baisse complètement belle et aide avec les travaux domestiques.
Le « OH, pitié je ! » elle hurle, « je peut à peine la tenir ! » Toujours, elle va au cinquième plancher et le signe lit :
Plancher 5 - Ces hommes ont les travaux, aiment le seigneur, aiment des enfants, sont baisse complètement magnifique, aident avec les travaux domestiques, et ont une strie romantique forte.
Elle est ainsi tenté de rester, mais elle va au sixième plancher et le signe lit :
Plancher 6 - Vous êtes le visiteur 4, 363.012 à ce plancher. Il n'y a aucun homme à cet étage. Ce plancher existe seulement comme preuve que les femmes sont impossibles à svp.
Merci de faire des emplettes au magasin de mari. Observez votre étape comme vous sortez le bâtiment, et ayez un beau jour !
Veuillez envoyer ceci à tous les hommes pour un bon rire et à toutes femmes qui peuvent manipuler la vérité !
******************************************************
VOUS AVEZ DEUX VACHES ....................
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES TRADITIONNELLES
vous avez deux vaches. Vous vendez un et achetez un bull.
Votre troupeau multiplie et l'économie se développe.
Vous vous retirez sur le revenu.
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES INDIENNES
vous avez deux vaches.
Vous les adorez.
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES PAKISTANAISES
vous n'avez aucune vache.
Vous réclamez que les vaches indiennes appartiennent à toi.
Vous demandez les USA l'aide financière, Chine pour l'aide
militaire, britannique pour les avions de guerre, Italie pour des machines,
Allemagne pour la technologie,
française pour les sous-marins,
Suisse pour des prêts, Russie pour des drogues Japon pour
l'équipement.
Vous achetez les vaches avec le tout ceci et réclamez
l'exploitation par le monde.
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES AMÉRICAINES
vous avez deux vaches.
Vous vendez un et forcez l'autre pour produire le lait
de quatre vaches.
Vous professez la surprise quand la vache se laisse tomber complètement.
Vous mettez le blâme sur une certaine nation avec des vaches et
naturellement cette nation sera un danger à l'humanité.
vous faites la guerre pour sauver le monde et pour saisir les vaches.
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES FRANÇAISES
vous avez deux vaches.
Vous faites la grève parce que vous voulez trois vaches.
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES ALLEMANDES
vous avez deux vaches.
Vous reengineer ils de sorte qu'ils vivent pendant 100 années,
mangent une fois par mois et se trayent.
VACHE BRÉSILIENNE
vous avez deux vaches.
Whenver ils multiplient le tiers, vous
assurez le tournoi du football et
l'équipe de gain l'obtient.
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES BRITANNIQUES
vous avez deux vaches.
Ils sont les deux vaches folles.
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES ITALIENNES
vous avez deux vaches.
Vous ne savez pas où ils sont.
Vous vous cassez pour le déjeuner.
VACHE JAMAÏQUAINE
vous avez deux vaches.
Vous les alimentez avec la même herbe
que vous fumez. Écoutez la musique
de reggae et la merveille quand le nombre
se tournera vers des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES
de trois SUISSES que
vous avez 5000 vaches, aucune dont appartenez à toi.
Vous chargez d'autres pour les stocker.
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES JAPONAISES
vous avez deux vaches.
Vous les remodelez de sorte qu'ils soient un dixième
de la taille d'une vache ordinaire et
produit vingt fois le lait.
Vous alors créez des images mignonnes de vache à dessin animé appelées
Cowkimon et les lancez sur le marché
dans le monde entier.
Les SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES RUSSES
vous avez deux vaches.
Vous les comptez et apprenez que vous avez cinq vaches.
Vous les comptez encore et apprenez que vous avez 42 vaches.
Vous les comptez encore et apprenez que vous avez 17 vaches.
Vous abandonnez le compte et ouvrez une autre bouteille
de vodka.
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES CHINOISES
vous avez deux vaches.
Vous avez 300 personnes les traire.
Vous réclamez le plein emploi, la productivité élevée et
l'arrestation n'importe qui de bovin qui rapporte les nombres réels.
SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES NIGÉRIENNES : Vous {FÉDÉRAL
} avez deux vaches que
vous mangez un et le réclamez étiez appel
volé dans la police pour étudier
la police avez arrêté chacun vivant à moins de 100km
les torturez complètement jusqu'à ce que quelqu'un ait admis qu'
enlevant la vache
la police a à la place rassemblé une vache chacune
de tout le monde vous a arrêté
a votre dos de vache et la police possède maintenant
une ferme de bétail.
{des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES de YORUBA
de TRIBUS}
vous faites jeter deux
vaches U les tuer
toutes les deux et une partie d'owambe !
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES d'IBO
vous faites se vendre deux
vaches U faire les contrefaçons très bonnes
de elles et pour le prix des vraies vaches !
Des SCIENCES ÉCONOMIQUES de HAUSA
vous avez deux vaches que
vous les élevez jusqu'à ce qu'elles soient quatre
s'assurent les vaches arrière à enfants d'ur trop
et maintiennent juste !
C'est seulement des gens d'une plaisanterie !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
l'homme de *A marchait dehors quand il est tombé au-dessus du bord d'une falaise. Pendant qu'il dévalait vers la terre, il est juste parvenu à accrocher dessus à une branche saillante d'arbre. Regardant fixement vers le bas une baisse de 200 pieds à pénurie presque certaine, il a pleuré dehors : « Aidez-moi, svp ! Est quiconque vers le haut là ? »
Une voix profonde est revenue : « Oui, mon fils, je suis vers le haut ici. »
« Qui est lui ? » a appelé l'homme.
« Son est le seigneur. »
« Pouvez vous m'aider ? »
« Certainement, mon fils. Laissez juste vont de la branche et je vous attraperai »
l'homme pensé pendant un moment, puis crié : « Est quiconque autrement vers le haut là ? »
(C'est un ancien mais un goodie)
l'avocat d'A a acheté une boîte très de rare et les cigares chers, alors les ont assurées contre le feu entre autres. Dans un mois ayant fumé sa réserve entière de ces grands cigares et sans pourtant ayant effectué même son premier paiement de la meilleure qualité sur la politique, l'avocat a classé une réclamation contre la compagnie d'assurance.
Dans sa réclamation, l'avocat a énoncé que les cigares ont été perdus « dans une série de petits feux. » La compagnie d'assurance a refusé de payer, citant la raison évidente : que l'homme avait consommé les cigares dans le normal mode. L'avocat a poursuivi… et gagné !
En fournissant régner le juge était d'accord avec la compagnie d'assurance que la réclamation était frivole. Le juge a énoncé néanmoins, cela l'avocat a tenu une politique de la compagnie à laquelle elle avait justifié que les cigares étaient assurables et ont également garanti qu'elle les assurerait contre le feu, sans définir ce qui est considéré comme le feu inacceptable, et a été obligées de payer la réclamation. Plutôt que supportez un processus prolongé et coûteux d'appel, la compagnie d'assurance a accepté régner et a versé $15.000.00 sur l'avocat sa perte des cigares rares perdus dans les « feux. »
MAINTENANT POUR LA MEILLEURE PARTIE….
Après que l'avocat ait encaissé le chèque, la compagnie d'assurance l'a fait arrêter sur 24 comptes d'INCENDIE CRIMINEL ! ! ! ! Avec sa propres déclaration de sinistre et témoignage du point de droit précédent étant employé contre lui, l'avocat a été condamné de brûler intentionnellement sa propriété d'assurés et a été condamné à 24 mois en prison et amende $24.000.00
nous dey aussi !
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!
**************************************************************************
A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !
Ike Ofoche
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs this list to live by
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brainteaser
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahuwa’s Interview
Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.
After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.
ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
Ponderables
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.
NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?
email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
The Magician
There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"
This joke submitted by: Lionhart724
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.
"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."
This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Woman Author Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back Up?
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break In!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
LOS BROMISTAS MÁS GRANDES DE TODAS LAS VECES
Automatically translated into Spanish thanks to WorldLingo
BROMISTAS
¿El pequeño
muchacho de la política A va a su papá y pide, “qué es política? El”
papá dice, “hijo bien, me dejó intentar explicarla esta manera: Im el breadwinner de la familia, deja tan para llamarme capitalismo. Su mamá, shes el administrador del dinero, tan pozo la llama el gobierno. Estaba aquí tomar el cuidado de sus necesidades, tan llamada del pozo usted la gente. El nanny, pozo la considera la clase obrera. Y su hermano del bebé, pozo lo llama el futuro. Ahora, piense de ese y vea si ese sentido de las marcas, “
el pequeño muchacho se apaga tan acostar el pensamiento de qué papá había dicho. Más adelante que noche, él oye a su hermano del bebé el gritar, así que él se levanta al cheque en él. Él encuentra que el bebé ha manchado seriamente su pañal. El pequeño muchacho va tan a su sitio de los padres y encuentra su sonido de la madre dormido. No deseando despertarla, él va al cuarto de los nannys. Encontrando la puerta trabada, él mira a escondidas en el ojo de la cerradura y ve a su padre en cama con el nanny. Él da para arriba y va de nuevo a cama. La mañana próxima, el pequeño muchacho dice a su padre, el “papá, I k fina ahora entiendo el concepto de la política.” El padre dice, “buen hijo, me dice que en sus propias palabras qué usted piensa la política esté todo sobre.” El pequeño muchacho contestó, “bien, mientras que el capitalismo está atornillando la clase obrera, el gobierno está dormido sano, están no haciendo caso a la gente y el futuro está en mierda profunda. ”
Descripciones de las funciones
1. Un banquero es un compañero que le presta su paraguas cuando el sol está brillando y lo desea detrás el minuto que comienza a llover.
2. Un economista es un experto que sabrá mañana porqué no sucedieron las cosas que él predijo ayer hoy.
3. Un estadístico es alguien que es bueno con números pero carece la personalidad para ser contable.
4. Un actuario es alguien que trae una bomba falsa en un plano, porque ese disminuye las ocasiones que habrá otra bomba en el plano.
5. Un programador es alguien que soluciona un problema que usted no sabía que usted tenía en una manera usted no entiende.
6. Un matemático es como un hombre oculto en un cuarto oscuro que busca un gato negro que no esté allí.
7. Un topologist es alguien que no sabe la diferencia entre una taza de café y un buñuelo.
8. Un abogado es una persona que escribe un documento de 10.000 palabras y lo llama un “escrito. ”
9. Un psicólogo es alguien que mira cada uno cuando una muchacha hermosa entra en el cuarto.
10. Un profesor es uno quién habla en alguien sueño de los elses.
11. Un consultor es alguien que toma el reloj de su muñeca y le dice el tiempo.
12. Un comité es un cuerpo que guarda minutos y pierde horas.
El marido
de la mujer del COMA A se había estado deslizando dentro y fuera de un coma por varios
meses, con todo ella había permanecido por su cabecera cada solo día. Un día, cuando
él finalmente despertó, él indicó para que ella venga más cerca.
¿Mientras que ella se sentó por él, él susurró, eyes por completo de rasgones, “usted sabe lo que? Usted
ha estado con mí todo con los malos tiempos. Cuando conseguí encendido, usted estaba
allí apoyarme. Cuando mi negocio falló, usted estaba allí. Cuando conseguí
el tiro, usted estaba al lado de mi lado. Cuando perdimos la casa, usted permanecía derecho aquí.
Cuando mi salud comenzó a fallar, usted todavía estaba al lado de mi lado. ¿Usted sabe lo que? “
“Qué estimado?” Ella pidió suavemente, sonriendo como su corazón comenzó a llenar
de calor.
“Pienso que usted es mala suerte.”
El hombre
de la confesión A está en su deathbed, y su esposa se está sentando por su lado.
El hombre dice a la esposa: “Hon, tengo que decirle algo. ”
Las contestaciones de la esposa: “Sí, usted puede decirme cualquier cosa. ”
Hombre: “Dormí con esposa de su hermana
”: “Conozco”
al hombre: “Y esposa de su mamá
”: “Conozco”
al hombre: “También dormí con su secretaria, Maria”
la esposa pone un dedo a su boca y dice que “sé, mi querido, ahora apenas relajo y dejo el veneno trabajar”.
Preguntas estúpidas
1. ¿Por qué su ginecólogo sale del cuarto cuando usted desnuda?
2. ¿Si una persona posee un pedazo de tierra, lo poseen hasta el final tragan al centro de la tierra?
3. ¿Por qué la mujer linada puso su rimel encendido con su boca cerrada?
4. Porqué es llamó a alcohólicos anónimos cuando es la primera cosa que usted lo hace está parada para arriba y dice
“hola, mis nombres Bob. ¿Im un alcohólico "?
5. ¿Si usted se acoplara un Bulldog con un Shitsu usted conseguiría un Bullshit?
6. ¿Por qué son llamados interior pero pasos de las escaleras afuera?
7. ¿Por qué hay una luz en el refrigerador pero no en el congelador?
8. ¿Por qué el agua mineral que ha goteado a través de las montañas por siglos
tener un uso por la fecha?
9. ¿Por qué las tostadoras tienen siempre un ajuste en ellos qué quemaduras su tostada
a una patata a la inglesa horrible nadie comería?
10. ¿Quién era la primera persona para mirar una vaca y opinión “pienso apretón enfermo estas dangly cosas aquí y bebo qué sale”?
11. ¿Qué la gente en China llama sus buenas placas?
12. ¿Si el profesor en la isla de Gilligans puede hacer una radio fuera de un coco, por qué canto él fija un agujero en un barco?
13. ¿Por qué el soporte Goofy en dos piernas cuando queda orientado Pluto cuatro? Theyre ambos perros.
14. ¿Qué usted llama las bailarinas masculinas?
15. ¿Puede cegar a gente vieron sus sueños y ella soña?
16. ¿Si el coyote de Wile E tiene bastante dinero al lado de todo ese crap de la cumbre porqué no lo hace él compre su cena?
17. ¿Por qué es una persona a que las manijas dinero llamaron un corredor?
18. ¿Si los concursos son quizzical, cuáles son pruebas?
19. Si el aceite de maíz se hace de maíz y el aceite vegetal se hace de vehículos. ¿Qué el aceite de bebé se hace?
20. ¿Si un hombre está caminando en un bosque y no hay mujeres allí oír que él es él todavía agravia?
21. Porqué es que cuando alguien le dice que los mil millones de los theres de las estrellas en el universo,
usted las crean. ¿Pero si le dicen theres pintura mojada en alguna parte usted tiene que tocarla?
22. ¿Por qué usted lo llama un asteroide cuando su exterior el hemisferio, con todo lo llama hemorrhoid cuando su adentro su asno?
23. ¿Usted notó siempre que si usted soplan en perros le hicieron frente va enojado, con todo cuando usted lo toma en un paseo del coche él pega su recto principal hacia fuera la ventana?
LA BROMA QUE GANA
después del escrutinio mucho cuidadoso, (Laughlab.com) somos orgullosos anunciar nuestra broma que gana. Esta broma recibió grados más altos que cualquier otra mordaza.
Rodillo del tambor .....
Un par de los cazadores de New Jersey está hacia fuera en las maderas cuando una de ellas las caídas a la tierra. Él no se parece respirar, sus ojos se rueda detrás en su cabeza. El otro individuo azota hacia fuera su teléfono de la célula y llama los servicios de emergencia. Él jadea al operador: ¡“Mi amigo es muerto! Qué puede yo haga?” El operador, en una voz calmante tranquila dice: “Toma justa él fácil. Puedo ayudar. Primero, déjenos se cercioran de que él es muerto.” Hay un silencio, después se oye un tiro. La voz del individuo se vuelve en la línea. Él dice: “ACEPTABLE, ahora qué?”
¡El almacén del marido!
Un almacén que vende a maridos acaba de abrirse en New York City, en donde una mujer puede ir a elegir a un marido. Entre las instrucciones en la entrada está una descripción de cómo el almacén funciona. ¡Usted puede visitar el almacén SOLAMENTE UNA VEZ!
Hay seis pisos y las cualidades de los hombres aumentan mientras que asciende el comprador los vuelos. Hay, sin embargo, un retén. . .. ¡usted puede elegir a cualquier hombre de un piso particular, o usted puede elegir ir encima de un piso, pero usted no puede ir detrás abajo excepto a salir del edificio! Así pues, una mujer va al almacén del marido a encontrar a un marido. .
En la primera planta la muestra en la puerta lee:
Piso 1 - Estos hombres tienen trabajos y aman a señor.
La segunda muestra del piso lee:
Piso 2 - Estos hombres tienen trabajos, aman al señor, y a cabritos del amor.
La tercera muestra del piso lee:
Piso 3 - Estos hombres tienen trabajos, aman a señor, aman a cabritos, y son extremadamente apuestos.
“Ululación,” ella piensa, pero se siente obligada para guardar el ir.
Ella va al cuarto piso y la muestra lee:
Piso 4 - Estos hombres tienen trabajos, aman a señor, aman a cabritos, son gota absolutamente apuesta y ayuda con el quehacer doméstico.
“Oh, misericordia yo!” ella clama contra, “yo puede estarla parada apenas!” No obstante, ella va al quinto piso y la muestra lee:
Piso 5 - Estos hombres tienen trabajos, aman a señor, aman a cabritos, son gota absolutamente magnífica, ayudan con el quehacer doméstico, y tienen una raya romántica fuerte.
Ella es así que tentado a permanecer, pero ella va al sexto piso y la muestra lee:
Piso 6 - Usted es el visitante 4, 363.012 a este piso. No hay hombres en este piso. Este piso existe solamente como prueba que las mujeres son imposibles a por favor.
Gracias por hacer compras en el almacén del marido. ¡Mire su paso como usted sale del edificio, y tenga un día agradable!
¡Envíe por favor esto a todos los hombres para una buena risa y a todas las mujeres que puedan manejar la verdad!
******************************************************
USTED TIENE DOS VACAS ....................
ECONOMÍA TRADICIONAL
usted tiene dos vacas. Usted vende uno y compra un toro.
Su manada se multiplica y la economía crece.
Usted se retira en la renta.
ECONOMÍA INDIA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted los adora.
ECONOMÍA PAQUISTANÍ
usted no tiene ninguna vacas.
Usted demanda que las vacas indias pertenecen a usted.
Usted pide los E.E.U.U. la ayuda financiera, China para la ayuda
militar, británica para los aviones de combate, Italia para las máquinas,
Alemania para la tecnología,
francesa para los submarinos,
Suiza para los préstamos, Rusia para las drogas Japón para
el equipo.
Usted compra las vacas con todo el esto y demanda
la explotación por el mundo.
ECONOMÍA AMERICANA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted vende uno y fuerza el otro para producir la leche
de cuatro vacas.
Usted profesa sorpresa cuando la vaca cae absolutamente.
Usted pone la culpa en una cierta nación con las vacas y
esa nación será naturalmente un peligro a la humanidad.
usted emprende guerra para ahorrar el mundo y para asir las vacas.
ECONOMÍA FRANCESA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted va en huelga porque usted desea tres vacas.
ECONOMÍA ALEMANA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted reengineer ellos de modo que vivan por 100 años,
coman una vez al mes y se ordeñen.
VACA BRASILEÑA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Whenver crían el tercero, usted
arregla para el torneo del fútbol y
el equipo que gana lo consigue.
ECONOMÍA BRITÁNICA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Son ambas vacas enojadas.
ECONOMÍA ITALIANA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted no sabe donde están.
Usted se rompe para el almuerzo.
VACA JAMAICANA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted los alimenta con la misma mala hierba
que usted fuma. Escuche la música
y la maravilla del reggae cuando el número
dará vuelta a la ECONOMÍA
de tres SUIZOS que
usted tiene 5000 vacas, ningunas de las cuales pertenecen a usted.
Usted carga otros para almacenarlos.
ECONOMÍA JAPONESA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted los reajusta de modo que sean un décimo
del tamaño de una vaca ordinaria y
producto veinte veces la leche.
Usted después crea las imágenes lindas de la vaca de la historieta llamadas
Cowkimon y las pone
por todo el mundo.
La ECONOMÍA RUSA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted los cuenta y aprende que usted tiene cinco vacas.
Usted los cuenta otra vez y aprende que usted tiene 42 vacas.
Usted los cuenta otra vez y aprende que usted tiene 17 vacas.
Usted da para arriba la cuenta y abre otra botella
de vodka.
ECONOMÍA CHINA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted tiene 300 personas el ordeñar de ellas.
Usted demanda el empleo completo, la alta productividad y
la detención cualquier persona de los bóvidos que divulga los números reales.
ECONOMÍA NIGERIANA: Usted {FEDERAL
} tiene dos vacas que
usted come uno y que lo demanda era llamada
robada en el policía para investigar
al policía arrestó cada uno que vive dentro del 100km
lo tortura a fondo hasta que alguien admitió que
secuestrando la vaca
el policía en lugar de otro recogió una vaca cada uno
todos le arrestó
tiene su parte posteriora de la vaca y el policía ahora posee
una granja de los ganados.
¡{ECONOMÍA del YORUBA
de las TRIBUS}
usted hace que dos vacas
U les maten ambas
y lancen un partido del owambe!
¡ECONOMÍA del IBO
usted hace que dos vacas
U hagan las falsificaciones muy buenas de ellas
y vendan para el precio de las vacas verdaderas!
¡ECONOMÍA del HAUSA
usted tiene dos vacas que
usted las alza hasta que son cuatro
se cercioran de las vacas posteriores de los cabritos del ur también
y apenas mantienen!
¡Es solamente gente de una broma!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
el hombre del *A hacia fuera caminaba cuando él se cayó sobre el borde de un acantilado. Mientras que él hurtled hacia la tierra, él acaba de manejar colgar encendido a un rama del árbol que resaltaba. Mirando fijamente abajo una gota de 200 pies a penuria casi cierta, él gritó hacia fuera: ¡“Ayúdeme, por favor! Está cualquiera para arriba allí?”
Una voz profunda se volvió: “Sí, mi hijo, estoy para arriba aquí.”
“Quién es él?” llamó a hombre.
“Su es el señor.”
“Puede usted ayudarme?”
“Ciertamente, mi hijo. Apenas deje van del rama y le cogeré”
el hombre pensado por un momento, después gritado: “Está cualquiera para arriba allí?”
(Esto es un oldie pero un goodie)
el abogado de A compró una caja de muy raro y los cigarros costosos, entonces lo aseguraron contra el fuego entre otras cosas. Dentro de un mes que fumaba su reserva entera de estos grandes cigarros y sin con todo que hacía incluso su primer pago superior en la política, el abogado archivó una demanda contra la compañía de seguros.
En su demanda, el abogado indicó que los cigarros fueron perdidos “en una serie de los fuegos pequeños.” La compañía de seguros rechazó pagar, citando la razón obvia: que el hombre había consumido los cigarros en el normal forme. El abogado demandó… ¡y ganado!
En entregar la decisión el juez convino con la compañía de seguros que la demanda era frívola. El juez indicó sin embargo, ése el abogado llevó a cabo una política de la compañía en quien había autorizado que los cigarros eran asegurables y también garantizaron que la aseguraría contra el fuego, sin definir qué se considera ser fuego inaceptable, y fue obligada para pagar la demanda. Más bien que aguante un proceso muy largo y costoso de la súplica, la compañía de seguros aceptó la decisión y pagó $15.000.00 al abogado su pérdida de los cigarros raros perdidos en los “fuegos. ”
AHORA PARA LA MEJOR PARTE….
¡Después de que el abogado cobrara el cheque, la compañía de seguros lo hizo arrestar en 24 cuentas de DELITO DE INCENDIAR!!!! ¡Con su propia demanda y testimonio de seguro del caso anterior que era utilizado en contra de él, condenaron por intencionalmente quemarse su característica de los asegurados y fueron condenado al abogado a 24 meses en cárcel y una multa $24.000.00
nosotros dey también!
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!
**************************************************************************
A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !
Ike Ofoche
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs this list to live by
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brainteaser
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahuwa’s Interview
Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.
After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.
ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
Ponderables
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.
NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?
email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
The Magician
There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"
This joke submitted by: Lionhart724
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.
"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."
This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Woman Author Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back Up?
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break In!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
TEASERS PIÙ GRANDI DI TUTTE LE VOLTE
Automatically translated into Italian thanks to WorldLingo
TEASERS
Il ragazzo
piccolo di politica A va al suo dad e chiede, “che cosa è politica? „
Il Dad dice, “figlio buono, lo ha lasciato provare a spiegarla questo senso: Im il breadwinner della famiglia, così lascia per denominarlo il capitalismo. Il vostro Mom, shes il coordinatore dei soldi, così pozzo la denomina il governo. Era qui prendere la cura dei vostri bisogni, così chiamata del pozzo voi la gente. Il nanny, pozzo la considera il codice categoria di funzionamento. Ed il vostro fratello del bambino, pozzo lo denomina il futuro. Ora, pensi al quel e veda se quel senso di marche, “
così il ragazzo piccolo si spegne inserire pensare a che dad aveva detto. Più successivamente che notte, sente il suo fratello del bambino gridare, in modo da lui si alza al controllo su lui. Trova che il bambino ha sporcato severamente il suo diaper. Così il ragazzo piccolo va alla sua stanza dei genitori e trova il suo suono della madre addormentato. Non desiderando svegliarla, va alla stanza dei nannys. Trovando il portello bloccato, peeks nel buco della serratura e vede il suo padre in base con il nanny. Dà in su e va di nuovo alla base. La mattina prossima, il ragazzo piccolo dice al suo padre, “Dad, la I K sottile ora capisco il concetto della politica.„ Il padre dice, “buon figlio, mi dice che nelle vostre proprie parole che cosa pensate la politica sia interamente circa.„ Il ragazzo piccolo risponde bene, “, mentre il capitalismo sta avvitando il codice categoria di funzionamento, il governo è addormentato sano, la gente sta ignoranda ed il futuro è in merda profonda. „
Descrizioni del lavoro
1. Un banchiere è un collega che li presta il suo ombrello quando il sole sta lucidando e li desidera indietro il minuto che comincia a piovere.
2. Un economista è un esperto che saprà domani perchè le cose che ha predetto ieri non sono accaduto oggi.
3. Uno statistico è qualcuno che sia buono con i numeri ma difetta della personalità per essere un ragioniere.
4. Un attuario è qualcuno che porti una bomba falsa su un aereo, perché quel fa diminuire le probabilità che ci sarà un'altra bomba sull'aereo.
5. Un programmatore è qualcuno che risolva un problema non avete conosciuto che avete avuti in un senso non capite.
6. Un matematico è come un uomo cieco in una stanza scura che cerca un gatto nero che non è là.
7. Un topologist è un qualcuno che non conosca la differenza fra una tazza di caffè e una ciambella.
8. Un avvocato è una persona che redige un documento di 10.000 parole e lo denomina “un riassunto. „
9. Uno psicologo è qualcuno che guardi tutto altrimenti quando una ragazza bella entra nella stanza.
10. Un professore è uno chi i colloqui in qualcuno elses dormono.
11. Un consulente è qualcuno che prenda la vigilanza fuori del vostro polso e gli dica il tempo.
12. Un comitato è un corpo che mantiene i minuti e spreca le ore.
Il marito
della donna del COMA A stava slittando dentro e fuori da un coma per parecchi
mesi, tuttavia aveva rimasto dal suo lato del letto ogni singolo giorno. Un giorno, quando
infine si è svegliato, ha fatto segno a affinchè lei venga più vicino.
Mentre si è seduta da lui, ha bisbigliato, eyes in pieno delle rotture, “voi conosce che cosa?
Siete stati con me interamente con i tempi difettosi. Quando ho ottenuto infornato, eravate
là sostenerli. Quando il mio commercio è venuto a mancare, eravate là. Quando ho ottenuto
il colpo, eravate dal mio lato. Quando abbiamo perso la casa, avete rimasto di destra qui.
Quando la mia salute ha cominciato venire a mancare, eravate ancora dal mio lato. Conoscete che cosa? “
“Che cari?„ Ha chiesto delicatamente, sorridendo come il suo cuore ha cominciato a riempirsi
di calore.
“Penso che siate fortuna difettosa.„
L'uomo
di Confession A è sul suo deathbed e la sua moglie sta sedendosi dal suo lato.
L'uomo dice alla moglie: “Hon, devo dirgli qualcosa. „
Le risposte della moglie: “Sì, potete dirmi qualche cosa. „
Uomo: “Ho dormito con moglie della vostra sorella
„: “Conosco„
l'uomo: “E moglie del vostro mom
„: “Conosco„
l'uomo: “Inoltre ho dormito con la vostra segretaria, Mary„
la moglie mette una barretta alla sua bocca e che dice che “so, il mio tesoro, ora appena mi distendo e lascio il veleno funzionare„.
Domande stupide
1. Perchè il vostro ginecologo lascia la stanza quando undress?
2. Se una persona possiede una parte di terra, la possiedono che tutto il senso si scola al centro della terra?
3. Perchè la donna cant ha messo la loro mascara sopra con la loro bocca chiusa?
4. Perchè è ha denominato gli alcoolizzati anonimi quando la prima cosa che è si leva in piedi in su e dice
“ciao, i miei nomi Bob. Im un alcoolizzato "?
5. Se vi corrispondeste un Bulldog con uno Shitsu otterreste un Bullshit?
6. Perchè sono denominati parte interna ma punti delle scale all'esterno?
7. Perchè è ci una luce nel frigorifero ma non nel congelatore?
8. Perchè l'acqua minerale che ha gocciolato attraverso le montagne per i secoli
avere un uso entro la data?
9. Perchè i tostapane hanno loro sempre una regolazione quali ustioni il vostro pane tostato
alle patatine fritte horrible nessuno mangerebbe?
10. Chi era la prima persona per guardare una mucca ed opinione “penso la compressione malata queste dangly cose qui e bevo che cosa esce„?
11. Che cosa la gente in Cina denomina le loro buone piastre?
12. Se il professore sull'isola di Gilligans può fare una radio da una noce di cocco, perchè cant ripara un foro in una barca?
13. Perchè il basamento Goofy su due piedini quando Pluto rimane acces quattro? Theyre entrambi i cani.
14. Che cosa denominate ballerinas maschii?
15. Può accecare la gente vedono i loro sogni e sognano?
16. Se il coyote di Wile E ha abbastanza soldi da tutto quel crap del Acme perchè non compri il suo pranzo?
17. Perchè è una persona che le maniglie soldi hanno denominato un mediatore?
18. Se i quiz sono quizzical, che cosa sono prove?
19. Se l'olio di mais è fatto da cereale e l'olio vegetale è fatto dalle verdure. Da che cosa l'olio di bambino è fatto?
20. Se un uomo sta camminando in una foresta e non ci è donne là sentirsi che lui è lui ancora fa torto a?
21. Perchè è che quando qualcuno gli dice che i miliardi dei theres delle stelle nell'universo,
voi le credano. Ma se gli dicono i theres vernice bagnata in qualche luogo dovete toccarli?
22. Perchè lo denominate un asteroide quando la relativa parte esterna l'emisfero, tuttavia lo denomina hemorrhoid quando il relativo dentro vostro asino?
23. Avete notato mai che se voi saltano in i cani lo affrontano va pazzo, tuttavia quando lo prendete su un giro dell'automobile attacca il suo diritto capo fuori la finestra?
LO SCHERZO di VINCITA
dopo l'esame molto attento, (Laughlab.com) siamo fieri annunciare il nostro scherzo di vincita. Questo scherzo ha ricevuto le più alte valutazioni che qualunque altro bavaglio.
Rullo del tamburo .....
Una coppia dei cacciatori del New Jersey è fuori nei legno quando uno di loro cadute alla terra. Non sembra respirare, i suoi occhi è rotolato indietro in sua testa. L'altro tipo sbatte fuori il suo telefono delle cellule e denomina i servizi di emergenza. Gasps all'operatore: “Il mio amico è guasto! Che cosa può io faccia?„ L'operatore, in una voce soothing calma dice: “Introito giusto esso facile. Posso aiutare. In primo luogo, assicuriamosi che è guasto.„ Ci è un silenzio, quindi un colpo è sentito. La voce del tipo ritorna sulla linea. Dice: “GIUSTO, ora che cosa?„
Il deposito del marito!
Un deposito che vende i mariti si è aperto appena a New York City, in cui una donna può andare scegliere un marito. Fra le istruzioni all'entrata è una descrizione di come il deposito funziona. Potete visitare SOLTANTO UNA VOLTA il deposito!
Ci sono sei pavimenti e gli attributi degli uomini aumentano mentre il cliente ascende i voli. Ci è, tuttavia, un fermo. . .. potete scegliere tutto l'uomo da un pavimento particolare, o potete scegliere andare su un pavimento, ma non potete andare indietro giù tranne rimuovere la costruzione! Così, una donna va al deposito del marito trovare un marito. .
Sul primo piano il segno sul portello legge:
Pavimento 1 - Questi uomini hanno lavori ed amano il signore.
Il secondo segno del pavimento legge:
Pavimento 2 - Questi uomini hanno lavori, amano il signore ed i capretti di amore.
Il terzo segno del pavimento legge:
Pavimento 3 - Questi uomini hanno lavori, amano il signore, amano i capretti e sono estremamente buon osservare.
“Distorsione di velocità,„ pensa, ma ritiene coercitiva per continuare a andare.
Va al pavimento di quarto ed il segno legge:
Pavimento 4 - Questi uomini hanno lavori, amano il signore, amano i capretti, sono osservare ed aiuto completamente buoni di goccia con i lavori domestici.
“L'OH, misericordia me!„ exclaims, “io può appena levarsela in piedi!„ Eppure, va al quinto pavimento ed il segno legge:
Pavimento 5 - Questi uomini hanno lavori, amano il signore, amano i capretti, sono goccia completamente gorgeous, aiutano con i lavori domestici ed hanno una striatura romantica forte.
È in modo da tentato di rimanere, ma va al sesto pavimento ed il segno legge:
Pavimento 6 - Siete ospite 4, 363.012 a questo pavimento. Non ci sono uomini su questo pavimento. Questo pavimento esiste solamente come prova che le donne sono impossibili a prego.
Grazie per l'acquisto al deposito del marito. Guardi il vostro punto come rimuovete la costruzione ed abbia un giorno piacevole!
Trasmetta prego questo a tutti gli uomini per una buona risata ed a tutte le donne che possono maneggiare la verità!
******************************************************
AVETE DUE MUCCHE ....................
ECONOMIA TRADIZIONALE
avete due mucche. Vendete uno e comprate un boll.
Il vostro gregge moltiplica e l'economia si sviluppa.
Andate in pensione sul reddito.
ECONOMIA INDIANA
avete due mucche.
Li adorate.
ECONOMIA PAKISTANA
non avete alcune mucche.
Sostenete che le mucche indiane appartengono a voi.
Chiedete gli Stati Uniti il sussidio finanziario, Cina per il sussidio
militare, britannica per gli aerei militari, Italia per le macchine,
Germania per tecnologia,
francese per i sommergibile,
Svizzera per i prestiti, Russia per le droghe Giappone per
apparecchiatura.
Comprate le mucche con il tutto questo ed esigete
lo sfruttamento dal mondo.
ECONOMIA AMERICANA
avete due mucche.
Vendete uno e forzate l'altro per produrre il latte
di quattro mucche.
Professate la sorpresa quando la mucca cade completamente.
Mettete la colpa su una certa nazione con le mucche &
quella nazione sarà naturalmente un pericolo all'umanità.
intraprendete la guerra per conservare il mondo e per afferrare le mucche.
ECONOMIA FRANCESE
avete due mucche.
Andate sul colpo perché desiderate tre mucche.
ECONOMIA TEDESCA
avete due mucche.
Voi reengineer loro in modo che vivano per 100 anni,
mangino una volta al mese e si mungano.
MUCCA BRASILIANA
avete due mucche.
Whenver allevano il terzo,
assicurate il torneo di calcio e
la squadra di vincita lo ottiene.
ECONOMIA BRITANNICA
avete due mucche.
Sono entrambe le mucche pazze.
ECONOMIA ITALIANA
avete due mucche.
Non sapete dove sono.
Vi rompete per pranzo.
MUCCA GIAMAICANA
avete due mucche.
Li alimentate con la stessa erbaccia
che fumate. Ascolti musica
e wonder di Reggae quando il numero
si girerà verso un'ECONOMIA che
dei tre SVIZZERI
avete 5000 mucche, nessuno di cui appartiene a voi.
Caricate altri per immagazzinarle.
ECONOMIA GIAPPONESE
avete due mucche.
Li riprogettate in modo che siano un decimo
di formato di una mucca ordinaria e
prodotti venti volte il latte.
Allora generate le immagini cute della mucca del fumetto denominate
Cowkimon e le introducete sul mercato
universalmente.
ECONOMIA RUSSA
avete due mucche.
Li contate e che imparate che avete cinque mucche.
Li contate ancora e che imparate che avete 42 mucche.
Li contate ancora e che imparate che avete 17 mucche.
Date in su il conteggio ed aprite un'altra bottiglia
di vodka.
ECONOMIA CINESE
avete due mucche.
Avete 300 genti mungerli.
Esigete l'occupazione completa, l'alto rendimento del bovino
e l'arresto chiunque che segnala i numeri reali.
ECONOMIA NIGERIANA: {FEDERALI
} avete due mucche
mangiate uno e lo esigete eravate chiamata
rubata nella polizia per studiare
la polizia avete arrestato tutto che vive all'interno di 100km
le torturate completamente fino a che qualcuno non abbia ammesso che
rapinando la mucca
la polizia preferibilmente ha raccolto una mucca ciascuno
da ognuno li ha arrestati
ha vostra parte posteriore della mucca e la polizia ora possiede
un podere dei bestiami.
ECONOMIA del YORUBA {
delle TRIBÙ}
fate due gettare
mucche U ucciderli
entrambe e un partito del owambe!
ECONOMIA di IBO
fate due vendere
mucche U fare le falsificazioni molto buone
di loro e per il prezzo delle mucche reali!
ECONOMIA del HAUSA
avete due mucche che
le elevate finchè sono quattro
si assicurano mucche posteriori dei capretti del ur ugualmente
ed appena effettuano!
È soltanto gente di scherzo!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
l'uomo del *A fuori stava camminando quando è caduto sopra il bordo di una scogliera. Mentre hurtled verso la terra, è riuscito appena ad appendere sopra ad un ramo di sporgenza dell'albero. Staring giù ad una goccia dei 200 piedi a penuria quasi determinata, ha gridato fuori: “Aiutilo, per favore! È qualcuno in su là?„
Una voce profonda ha ritornato: “Sì, il mio figlio, sono in su qui.„
“Chi è esso?„ ha denominato l'uomo.
“Relativo è il signore.„
“Potete aiutarli?„
“Certamente, il mio figlio. Lasci appena vanno del ramo e li interferirò„
l'uomo pensato per un momento, quindi gridato: “È qualcuno altrimenti in su là?„
(Questo è un oldie ma un goodie)
l'avvocato di A ha comprato una scatola di molto raro ed i sigari costosi, allora le hanno assicurate contro fuoco tra l'altro. Entro un mese che fuma la sua intera riserva di questi sigari grandi e senza tuttavia che effettua persino il suo primo pagamento premio sulla politica, l'avvocato ha archiviato un reclamo contro la società di assicurazioni.
Nel suo reclamo, l'avvocato ha dichiarato i sigari è stato perso “in serie di piccoli fuochi.„ La società di assicurazioni ha rifiutato di pagare, citando l'ovvio motivo: che l'uomo aveva consumato i sigari nel normale moda. L'avvocato ha citato… e vinto!
Nel trasporto del regolamento il giudice ha accosentito con la società di assicurazioni che il reclamo era frivolous. Il giudice ha dichiarato tuttavia, quello l'avvocato ha tenuto una politica dall'azienda in cui aveva garantito che i sigari erano assicurabili ed inoltre hanno garantito che le assicurerebbe contro fuoco, senza definire che cosa è considerata come fuoco inaccettabile ed è stata costretta per pagare il reclamo. Piuttosto che resista ad un processo lungo e costoso di appello, la società di assicurazioni ha accettato il regolamento ed ha pagato $15.000.00 all'avvocato la sua perdita dei sigari rari persi “nei fuochi. „
ORA PER LA PARTE MIGLIORE….
Dopo che l'avvocato incassi il controllo, la società di assicurazioni lo ha fatto arrestare su 24 conteggi di INCENDIO DOLOSO!!!! Con il suoi propri reclamo e testimonianza di assicurazione dall'argomento precedente che usando contro di lui, l'avvocato è stato condannato intenzionalmente di bruciare la sua proprietà degli assicurati ed è stato sentenziato a 24 mesi in prigione ed in un'indennità $24.000.00
noi dey anche!
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!
**************************************************************************
A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !
Ike Ofoche
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs this list to live by
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brainteaser
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahuwa’s Interview
Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.
After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.
ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
Ponderables
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.
NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?
email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
The Magician
There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"
This joke submitted by: Lionhart724
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.
"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."
This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Woman Author Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back Up?
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break In!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
GRÖSSTE TEASERS VON ALLEN MALEN
Automatically translated into German thanks to WorldLingo
TEASERS
Kleiner
Junge der Politik A geht zu seinem Vati und bittet, „was ist Politik? “
Vati sagt, „wohler Sohn, ließ mich versuchen, sie zu erklären auf diese Weise: Im der Brotverdiener der Familie, läßt so mich anrufen Kapitalismus. Ihre Mamma, shes der Verwalter des Geldes, so Brunnen rufen sie die Regierung an. Hier, um Ihren Notwendigkeiten, so Brunnenanruf waren zu kümmern Sie die Leute. Das Kindermädchen, Brunnen halten sie für die Funktion Kategorie. Und Ihr Babybruder, Brunnen rufen ihn die Zukunft an. Jetzt denken Sie an dieses und sehen Sie, wenn diese Marken Richtung, „
so der kleine Junge ausgeht, das Denken an, welchen Vati zu betten gesagt hatte. Später, daß Nacht, er seinen Babybruder hört zu schreien, also er steht zur überprüfung auf ihn auf. Er findet, daß das Baby streng seine Windel beschmutzt hat. So geht der kleine Junge zu seinem Elternraum und findet seinen Mutterton schlafend. Nicht wünschend sie aufwecken, geht er zum nannys Raum. Die Tür finden verriegelt, späht er in das Schlüsselloch und sieht seinen Vater im Bett mit dem Kindermädchen. Er gibt oben und geht zurück zu Bett. Der folgende Morgen, sagt der kleine Junge zu seinem Vater, „Vati, I dünnes k verstehe ich das Konzept der Politik jetzt.“ Der Vater sagt, „guter Sohn, erklären mir, daß in Ihren eigenen Wörtern was Sie denken, Politik ist ganz über.“ Der kleine Junge antwortet, „gut, während Kapitalismus die Funktion Kategorie schraubt, die Regierung schläft stichhaltiges, werden die Leute ignoriert und die Zukunft ist in der tiefen Scheiße. “
Arbeitsbeschreibungen
1. Ein Banker ist ein Gefährte, der Sie sein Regenschirm verleiht, wenn die Sonne scheint und es zurück die Minute wünscht, die, sie anfängt zu regnen.
2. Ein Wirtschaftswissenschaftler ist ein Experte, der morgen weiß, warum die Sachen, die er gestern voraussagte, nicht heute geschahen.
3. Ein Statistiker ist jemand, der mit Zahlen gut ist, aber ermangelt die Beschaffenheit, um ein Buchhalter zu sein.
4. Ein Versicherungsmathematiker ist jemand, der eine gefälschte Bombe auf einer Fläche holt, weil dieses die Wahrscheinlichkeiten verringert, daß es eine andere Bombe auf der Fläche gibt.
5. Ein Programmierer ist jemand, der ein Problem löst, das, Sie nicht kannten, daß Sie in einer Weise hatten Sie nicht verstehen.
6. Ein Mathematiker ist wie ein blinder Mann in einem dunklen Raum, welche nach einer schwarzen Katze sucht, die nicht dort ist.
7. Ein topologist ist jemand, das nicht den Unterschied zwischen einer Kaffeetasse und einem Krapfen kennt.
8. Ein Rechtsanwalt ist eine Person, die ein Dokument mit 10.000 Wörtern schreibt und es einen „Schriftsatz nennt. “
9. Ein Psychologe ist jemand, der jeder sonst aufpaßt, wenn ein schönes Mädchen den Raum betritt.
10. Ein Professor ist einer, wer in jemand elses Schlaf spricht.
11. Ein Berater ist jemand, der die Uhr Ihr Handgelenk entfernt und Ihnen die Zeit erklärt.
12. Ein Ausschuß ist ein Körper, der Minuten hält und Stunden vergeudet.
Ehemann
der Frau des KOMAS A war in und aus einem Koma für einige Monate
geglitten, dennoch war sie durch sein Kopfende jeder einzelne Tag geblieben. Ein Tag, als
er schließlich aufweckte, winkte er, damit sie nahe kommt.
Während sie durch ihn saß, flüsterte er, mustert voll von den Rissen, „Sie weiß, was? Sie
sind mit mir ganz durch die schlechten Zeiten gewesen. Als ich abgefeuert erhielt, waren Sie
dort, mich zu stützen. Als mein Geschäft ausfiel, waren Sie dort. Als ich Schuß
erhielt, waren Sie durch meine Seite. Als wir das Haus verloren, blieben Sie hier recht.
Als meine Gesundheit anfing auszufallen, waren Sie noch durch meine Seite. Sie wissen, was? „
„, welche liebe?“ Sie bat leicht und lächelte, wie ihr Herz anfing, mit Wärme
zu füllen.
„Ich denke, daß Sie sind Unglück.“
Mann
des Geständnisses A ist auf seinem Sterbebett, und seine Frau sitzt durch seine Seite.
Der Mann sagt zur Frau: „Hon, muß ich Ihnen etwas erklären. “
Die Frauantworten: „Ja, können Sie erklären mir allem. “
Mann: „Ich schlief mit Ihrer Schwester“
Frau: „Ich kenne“
Mann: „Und Ihre Mamma“
Frau: „Ich kenne“
Mann: „Ich auch schlief mit Ihrer Sekretärin, setzt Mary
“ die Frau einen Finger zu seiner öffnung und sagt, daß „ich weiß, mein Liebling, jetzt gerade entspanne mich und lasse das Gift arbeiten“.
Dumme Fragen
1. Warum verläßt Ihr Gynäkologe den Raum, wenn Sie sich ausziehen?
2. Wenn eine Person ein Stück Land besitzt, besitzen sie es niederwerfen vollständig zur Mitte der Masse?
3. Warum setzte schräge Frau ihre Wimperntusche an mit ihrer geschlossenen öffnung?
4. Warum ist, rief es Anonyme Alkoholiker, wenn die erste Sache, die Sie, stehen oben ist und sagt
„hallo, meine Namen Bob an. Im ein Alkoholiker "?
5. Wenn Sie verbanden, eine Bulldogge mit einem Shitsu würden Sie einen Bullshit erhalten?
6. Warum sind sie draußen benannt Treppe Innere aber Schritte?
7. Warum gibt es ein Licht im Kühlraum aber nicht in der Gefriermaschine?
8. Warum Mineralwasser, das durch Berge für Jahrhunderte einen Gebrauch
, bis zum Datum zu haben getröpfelt hat?
9. Warum haben Toaster immer eine Einstellung auf ihnen, welche Brände Ihr Toast zu einer
schrecklichen Chipslette keine essen würde?
10. Wer war die erste Person, zum einer Kuh zu betrachten und Sagen „ich denke kranke Pressung diese dangly Sachen hier und trinke, was herauskommt“?
11. Was nennen Leute in China ihre guten Platten?
12. Wenn der Professor auf Gilligans Insel einen Radio aus einer Kokosnuß heraus bilden kann, warum Neigung repariert er eine Bohrung in einem Boot?
13. Warum Goofy Standplatz auf zwei Beinen, wenn Pluto auf vier bleibt? Theyre beide Hunde.
14. Was nennen Sie männliche Ballerinen?
15. Kann Leute blind machen sehen ihre Träume und träumen sie?
16. Wenn Wile E Kojote genügend Geld zu durch diesem ganzem Gipfelmisten hat, warum nicht er, kaufen Sie sein Abendessen?
17. Warum ist eine Person, die Handgriffe Geld einen Vermittler anriefen?
18. Wenn Quizen fragend sind, sind was Tests?
19. Wenn Maisöl vom Mais gebildet wird und Pflanzenöl vom Gemüse gebildet wird. Von was wird Babyöl gebildet?
20. Wenn ein Mann in einen Wald geht und keine Frauen dort ist zu hören, daß er er schadet noch ist?
21. Warum es das ist, wenn jemand Ihnen erklärt, daß theres Milliarden Sterne im Universum,
Sie ihnen glauben. Aber, wenn sie Ihnen theres nasse Farbe irgendwo erklären, müssen Sie sie berühren?
22. Warum nennen Sie es einen Planetoid, wenn seine Außenseite die Hemisphäre, dennoch sie hemorrhoid wenn sein innen Ihr Esel nennen?
23. Beachteten Sie überhaupt, daß, wenn Sie in Hunde durchbrennen, es geht wütend gegenüberstellen, dennoch, wenn Sie ihn auf einer Autofahrt nehmen, haftet er sein Hauptgerades heraus das Fenster?
DER GEWINNENDE WITZ
nach viel vorsichtiger Nachforschung, sind wir (Laughlab.com) stolz, unseren gewinnenden Witz zu verkünden. Dieser Witz empfing höhere Bewertungen als jeder möglicher andere Gag.
Trommelrolle .....
Ein Paar der New-Jersey Jäger sind heraus im Holz wenn eine von ihnen Fälle zu Boden. Er scheint nicht zu atmen, seine Augen wird gerollt zurück in seinem Kopf. Der andere Kerl peitscht heraus sein Zelle Telefon und benennt die Bereitschaftsdienste. Er keucht zum Operator: „Mein Freund ist tot! Was ich kann, tun Sie?“ Der Operator, in einer ruhigen beruhigenden Stimme sagt: „Gerechtes Nehmen es einfach. Ich kann helfen. Zuerst lassen Sie uns sicherstellen, daß er ist tot.“ Es gibt eine Ruhe, dann wird ein Schuß gehört. Die Stimme des Kerls kommt auf die Linie zurück. Er sagt: „OKAY, jetzt was?“
Der Ehemann-Speicher!
Ein Speicher, der Ehemänner verkauft, hat gerade sich in New York City geöffnet, in dem eine Frau gehen kann, einen Ehemann zu wählen. Unter den Anweisungen am Eingang ist eine Beschreibung von, wie der Speicher funktioniert. Sie können den Speicher NUR EINMAL besichtigen!
Es gibt sechs Fußböden und die Attribute der Männer erhöhen sich, während der Käufer die Flüge steigt. Es gibt jedoch eine Verriegelung. . .. Sie können jeden möglichen Mann von einem bestimmten Fußboden wählen, oder Sie können beschließen, einen Fußboden hinaufzugehen, aber Sie können nicht ausgenommen zurück unten gehen, das Gebäude herauszunehmen! So geht eine Frau zum Ehemann-Speicher, einen Ehemann zu finden. .
Auf dem ersten Stockwerk liest das Zeichen auf der Tür:
Fußboden 1 - Diese Männer haben Jobs und lieben den Lord.
Das zweite Stockzeichen liest:
Fußboden 2 - Diese Männer haben Jobs, lieben den Lord und die Liebezicklein.
Das dritte Stockzeichen liest:
Fußboden 3 - Diese Männer haben Jobs, lieben den Lord, lieben Zicklein und sind extrem gutes Schauen.
„Wimmern,“ denkt sie, aber glaubt gezwungen, um zu gehen zu halten.
Sie geht zum vierten Stock und Zeichen liest:
Fußboden 4 - Diese Männer haben Jobs, lieben den Lord, lieben Zicklein, sind gutes Schauen und Hilfe des Tropfens absolut bei der Hausarbeit.
„OH-, Gnade ich!“ sie ruft, „ich kann sie kaum stehen!“ aus Noch geht sie zum fünften Stock und Zeichen liest:
Fußboden 5 - Diese Männer haben Jobs, lieben den Lord, lieben Zicklein, sind der herrliche Tropfen absolut, helfen bei der Hausarbeit und haben einen starken romantischen Streifen.
Sie ist also gereizt zu bleiben, aber sie geht zum 6. Stock und das Zeichen liest:
Fußboden 6 - Sie sind Besucher 4, 363.012 zu diesem Fußboden. Es gibt keine Männer auf dieser Etage. Dieser Fußboden besteht nur als Beweis, daß Frauen zu bitte unmöglich sind.
Danke für den Einkauf am Ehemann-Speicher. Passen Sie Ihren Schritt, wie Sie das Gebäude herausnehmen, auf und haben Sie einen schönen Tag!
Schicken Sie allen Frauen allen Männern für ein gutes Lachen bitte dieses und die die Wahrheit anfassen können!
******************************************************
HABEN SIE ZWEI KÜHE ....................
TRADITIONELLE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe. Sie verkaufen ein und kaufen ein Bull.
Ihre Herde multipliziert und die Wirtschaft wächst.
Sie ziehen sich auf dem Einkommen zurück.
INDISCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Sie beten sie an.
PAKISTANISCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie keine Kühe.
Sie behaupten, daß die indischen Kühe Ihnen gehören.
Sie bitten die US um finanzielles Hilfsmittel, China für militärisches
Hilfsmittel, britisch für Kampfflugzeuge, Italien für Maschinen,
Deutschland für Technologie,
französisch für Unterseeboote,
die Schweiz für Darlehen, Rußland für Drogen Japan für
Ausrüstung.
Sie kaufen die Kühe mit allem dieses und behaupten
Ausnutzung durch die Welt.
AMERIKANISCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Sie verkaufen ein und zwingen das andere, um die Milch von
vier Kühen zu produzieren.
Sie erklären überraschung, wenn die Kuh absolut fällt.
Sie setzen die Schuld auf irgendeine Nation mit Kühen u.
natürlich ist diese Nation eine Gefahr zur Menschheit.
Sie unternehmen Krieg, um die Welt zu speichern und die Kühe zu ergreifen.
FRANZÖSISCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Sie streiken, weil Sie drei Kühe wünschen.
DEUTSCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Sie reengineer sie, damit sie für 100 Jahre leben,
einmal im Monat essen und sich melken.
BRASILIANISCHE KUH
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Whenver züchten sie den Third, ordnen
Sie für Fußballturnier und
die gewinnende Mannschaft erhält es.
BRITISCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Sie sind beide wütenden Kühe.
ITALIENISCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Sie wissen nicht, wo sie sind.
Sie brechen für das Mittagessen.
JAMAIKANISCHE KUH
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Sie ziehen sie mit dem gleichen Unkraut ein,
das Sie rauchen. Hören Sie zur Reggae
musik und -wunder, wenn die Zahl
an die drei SCHWEIZER-
VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT wendet, die
Sie 5000 Kühe haben, von denen keine Ihnen gehören.
Sie laden andere für die Speicherung sie auf.
JAPANISCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Sie entwerfen sie neu, damit sie Zehntel die Größe
einer gewöhnlichen Kuh und Erzeugnis
Zwanzigmal die Milch sind.
Sie dann verursachen die netten Karikaturkuhbilder, die Cowkimon
genannt werden und vermarkten sie
weltweit.
RUSSISCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Sie zählen sie und erlernen, daß Sie fünf Kühe haben.
Sie zählen sie wieder und erlernen, daß Sie 42 Kühe haben.
Sie zählen sie wieder und erlernen, daß Sie 17 Kühe haben.
Sie geben oben zählen und öffnen eine andere Flasche
Wodka.
CHINESISCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe.
Sie haben 300 Leute, sie zu melken.
Sie behaupten Vollbeschäftigung, hohe Tierproduktivität
und Anhalten jedermann, welche über die tatsächlichen Zahlen berichtet.
NIGERISCHE VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT: {BUNDES}
Sie haben zwei Kühe, die
Sie ein essen und es waren gestohlener Anruf
in der Polizei behaupten, zum der Polizei
nachzuforschen festhielten jeder lebend innerhalb 100km
quälen sie gänzlich, bis zugelassenes jemand
, die Kuh zu entführen
die Polizei anstatt eine Kuh sammelte jedes von
jeder Sie
haben Ihre Kuhrückseite festhielt und die Polizei jetzt einen Vieh
bauernhof besitzt.
{STÄMME}
YORUBA-VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
lassen Sie zwei Kühe
U sie beide töten
und eine owambe Partei werfen!
IBO-VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
lassen Sie zwei Kühe
U sehr gute Fälschungen von ihnen bilden
und für den Preis der realen Kühe verkaufen!
HAUSA-VOLKSWIRTSCHAFT
haben Sie zwei Kühe, die
Sie sie aufrichten, bis sie vier sicherstellen
hintere Kühe der ur Zicklein auch und
beibehalten gerade sind!
Es ist nur Völker eines Witzes!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*A Mann ging heraus, als er über den Rand einer Klippe fiel. Während er in Richtung zum Boden raste, handhabte er gerade, zu einer hervorstehenden Baumniederlassung an zu hängen. Unten anstarrend entlang eines 200-Fuss-Tropfens zu fast bestimmtem Mangel, schrie er heraus: „Helfen Sie mir, bitte! Ist jedes oben dort?“
Eine tiefe Stimme kam zurück: „Ja, mein Sohn, bin ich oben hier.“
„Wer ist es?“ rief den Mann an.
„Sein ist der Lord.“
„Können Sie mir helfen?“
„Zweifellos, mein Sohn. Lassen Sie einfach gehen von der Niederlassung und ich verfange mich Sie“
der während eines Momentes gedachte, geschrieene Mann dann: „Ist jedes sonst oben dort?“
(Dieses ist ein Oldie aber ein goodie),
kaufte A Rechtsanwalt einen Kasten von sehr seltenem und kostspielige Zigarren, versicherten sie dann gegen Feuer unter anderem. Innerhalb eines Monats, der seinen gesamten Schotterhaufen dieser großen Zigarren geraucht wurde und ohne dennoch sogar seine erste erstklassige Zahlung auf die Politik geleistet war, ordnete der Rechtsanwalt einen Anspruch gegen die Versicherungsgesellschaft ein.
In seinem Anspruch gab der Rechtsanwalt an, daß die Zigarren waren verloren „in einer Reihe von kleinen Feuern.“ Die Versicherungsgesellschaft lehnte ab zu zahlen und zitierte den offensichtlichen Grund: daß der Mann die Zigarren im normalen verbraucht hatte, arbeiten Sie um. Der Rechtsanwalt klagte… und gewonnen!
Wenn er das Anordnen lieferte, war der Richter mit der Versicherungsgesellschaft einverstanden, daß der Anspruch leichtfertig war. Der Richter gab dennoch an, hielt der der Rechtsanwalt eine Politik von der Firma, in der sie gewährleistet hatte, daß die Zigarren versicherbar waren und auch garantierten, daß sie würde sie gegen Feuer versichern, ohne zu definieren was betrachtet wird, nicht annehmbares Feuer zu sein, und wurde, um den Anspruch zu zahlen gezwungen. Anstatt halten Sie einen langatmigen und teuren Anklangprozeß aus, nahm die Versicherungsgesellschaft das Anordnen an und zahlte dem Rechtsanwalt $15.000.00 für seinen Verlust der seltenen Zigarren, die in den „Feuern verloren waren. “
JETZT FÜR DAS BESTE TEIL….
Nachdem der Rechtsanwalt die überprüfung einlöste, ließ die Versicherungsgesellschaft ihn auf 24 Zählimpulsen BRANDSTIFTUNG festhalten!!!! Mit seinem eigenen Anspruch auf Versicherungsleistungen und Zeugnis vom vorhergehenden Argument, das gegen ihn verwendet wurde, wurde der Rechtsanwalt seine Versicherteigenschaft absichtlich brennen überführt und wurde zu 24 Monaten im Gefängnis und in einer Geldstrafe $24.000.00 wir
dey auch verurteilt!
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!
**************************************************************************
A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !
Ike Ofoche
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs this list to live by
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brainteaser
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahuwa’s Interview
Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.
After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.
ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
Ponderables
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.
NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?
email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
The Magician
There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"
This joke submitted by: Lionhart724
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.
"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."
This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Woman Author Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back Up?
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break In!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
OS TEASERS OS MAIS GRANDES DE TODAS AS VEZES
Automatically translated into Portuguese thanks to WorldLingo
TEASERS
O menino
pequeno da política A vai a seu dad e pede, “o que é política? O”
Dad diz, “filho bom, deixou-me tentar explicá-la esta maneira: Im o breadwinner da família, deixam assim para chamar-me capitalismo. Seu Mom, shes o administrador do dinheiro, assim poço chama-a o governo. Estava aqui tomar cuidado de suas necessidades, assim chamada do poço você os povos. O nanny, poço considera-a a classe de funcionamento. E seu irmão do bebê, poço chama-o o futuro. Agora, pense sobre o esse e veja se esse sentido dos makes, “
assim o menino pequeno se apagar alojar pensar sobre que dad tinha dito. Mais tarde que noite, ouve seu irmão do bebê gritar, assim que ele levanta-se à verificação nele. Encontra que o bebê sujou severamente seu diaper. Assim o menino pequeno vai a seu quarto dos pais e encontra seu som da mãe adormecido. Não querendo acordá-la, vai ao quarto dos nannys. Encontrando a porta travada, peeks no buraco da fechadura e vê seu pai na cama com o nanny. Dá acima e vai para trás alojar. A manhã seguinte, o menino pequeno diz a seu pai, o “Dad, I k fino eu compreendo o conceito da política agora.” O pai diz, “filho bom, diz-me que em suas próprias palavras o que você pensa a política está toda sobre.” O menino pequeno responde, “bem, quando o capitalismo parafusar a classe de funcionamento, o governo está adormecido sadio, os povos estão sendo ignorados e o futuro está na merda profunda. De”
descrições trabalho
1. Um banqueiro é um companheiro que o empreste seu guarda-chuva quando o sol está brilhando e o queira para trás o minuto onde começa a chover.
2. Um economista é um perito que saiba amanhã porque as coisas que predisse ontem não aconteceram hoje.
3. Um statistician é alguém que é bom com números mas falta a personalidade para ser um contabilista.
4. Um actuário é alguém que traz uma bomba falsificada em um plano, porque esse diminui as possibilidades que haverá uma outra bomba no plano.
5. Um programador é alguém que resolve um problema que você não soube que você teve em uma maneira você não compreende.
6. Um matemático é como um homem cego em um quarto escuro que procura um gato preto que não esteja lá.
7. Um topologist é um alguém que não saiba a diferença entre um copo de café e uma filhós.
8. Um advogado é uma pessoa que escreva um original de 10.000 palavras e o chame um “sumário. ”
9. Um psicólogo é alguém que presta atenção a todos mais quando uma menina bonita entra no quarto.
10. Um professor é um quem fala em alguém o sono dos elses.
11. Um consultante é alguém que faz exame do relógio fora de seu pulso e lhe diz o tempo.
12. Um comitê é um corpo que mantenha minutos e desperdice horas.
O marido
da mulher do COMA A tem deslizado dentro e fora de um coma por diversos
meses, contudo tinha permanecido por seu bedside cada único dia. Um dia, quando
acordou finalmente, fêz sinal para que venha mais perto.
Enquanto se sentou por ele, sussurrou, eyes completamente dos rasgos, “você sabe que? Você
foi com mim toda com os tempos maus. Quando eu comecei ateado fogo, você estava
lá suportar-me. Quando meu negócio falhou, você estava lá. Quando eu comecei
o tiro, você era por meu lado. Quando nós perdemos a casa, você permaneceu direito aqui.
Quando minha saúde começou falhar, você era ainda por meu lado. Você sabe que? “
“Que caros?” Pediu delicadamente, sorrindo como seu coração começou a se encher com
o calor.
“Eu penso que você é sorte má.”
O homem
do Confession A está em seu deathbed, e sua esposa está sentando-se por seu lado.
O homem diz à esposa: “Hon, eu tenho que dizer-lhe algo. ”
As respostas da esposa: “Sim, você pode dizer-me qualquer coisa. ”
Homem: “Eu dormi com esposa de sua irmã
”: “Eu conheço”
o homem: “E esposa do seu mom
”: “Eu conheço”
o homem: “Eu também dormi com sua secretária, Mary”
a esposa põe um dedo a sua boca e di-lo que “eu sei, meu querido, agora apenas relaxo e deixo o veneno trabalhar”.
Perguntas Stupid
1. Por que seu gynecologist sae do quarto quando você undress?
2. Se uma pessoa possuir uma parte de terra, possuem-na que toda a maneira traga ao centro da terra?
3. Por que a mulher cant pôs seu mascara sobre com sua boca fechada?
4. Porque é chamou alcoólicos anonymous quando a primeira coisa que você é está acima e di-los
“hi, meus nomes Bob. Im um alcoólico "?
5. Se você se acoplar um Bulldog com um Shitsu você começaria um Bullshit?
6. Por que são chamados interior mas etapas das escadas fora?
7. Por que há uma luz no refrigerador mas não no freezer?
8. Por que a água mineral que trickled através das montanhas por séculos
para ter um uso pela data?
9. Por que os toasters têm sempre um ajuste neles que queimaduras seu brinde
a um crisp horrible ninguém comeria?
10. Quem era a primeira pessoa para olhar uma vaca e palavra “eu penso do aperto doente estas dangly coisas aqui e bebo o que sai”?
11. Que os povos em China chamam suas placas boas?
12. Se o professor no console de Gilligans puder fazer um rádio fora de um coco, por que cant repara um furo em um barco?
13. Por que o carrinho Goofy em dois pés quando Pluto remanesce em quatro? Theyre ambos os cães.
14. Que você chama os ballerinas masculinos?
15. Pode cegar povos vêem seus sonhos e sonham?
16. Se o chacal de Wile E tiver bastante dinheiro por todo esse crap do Acme porque não compre seu jantar?
17. Por que é uma pessoa que os punhos dinheiro chamem um corretor?
18. Se os quizzes forem quizzical, que são testes?
19. Se o óleo de milho estiver feito do milho e o óleo vegetal estiver feito dos vegetais. Que o óleo de bebê é feito?
20. Se um homem estiver andando em uma floresta e nenhuma mulher estiver lá se ouvir que é ele trata injustamente ainda?
21. Porque é que quando alguém lhe disser que os billions dos theres das estrelas no universo,
você as acreditam. Mas se lhe disserem theres pintura molhada em algum lugar você tem que tocar n?
22. Por que você o chama um asteroid quando sua parte externa o hemisfério, contudo o chama hemorrhoid quando seu dentro seu burro?
23. Você observou sempre que se você fundissem no cães o enfrentam vai louco, contudo quando você faz exame dele em um passeio do carro fura seu reto principal para fora a janela?
O GRACEJO GANHANDO
após o scrutiny muito cuidadoso, nós (Laughlab.com) somos orgulhosos anunciar nosso gracejo ganhando. Este gracejo recebeu umas avaliações mais elevadas do que toda a outra mordaça.
Rolo do cilindro .....
Um par de caçadores de New-jersey estiver para fora nas madeiras quando um delas quedas à terra. Não parece respirar, seus olhos é rolado para trás em sua cabeça. O outro guy chicoteia para fora seu telefone da pilha e chama os serviços de emergência. Gasps ao operador: “Meu amigo está inoperante! O que pode mim faça?” O operador, em uma voz soothing calma diz: “Tomada justa ele fácil. Eu posso ajudar. Primeiramente, vamos certificar-se que está inoperante.” Há um silêncio, a seguir um tiro é ouvido. A voz do guy volta na linha. Diz: “APROVADO, agora que?”
A loja do marido!
Uma loja que vendesse maridos abriu apenas em New York City, onde uma mulher pode ir escolher um marido. Entre as instruções na entrada é uma descrição de como a loja se opera. Você pode visitar a loja SOMENTE UMA VEZ!
Há seis assoalhos e os atributos dos homens aumentam enquanto o cliente ascends os vôos. Há, entretanto, um prendedor. . .. você pode escolher todo o homem de um assoalho particular, ou você pode escolher ir acima de um assoalho, mas você não pode ir para trás para baixo exceto retirar o edifício! Assim, uma mulher vai à loja do marido encontrar um marido. .
No primeiro assoalho o sinal na porta lê:
Assoalho 1 - Estes homens têm trabalhos e amam o senhor.
O segundo sinal do assoalho lê:
Assoalho 2 - Estes homens têm trabalhos, amam o senhor, e miúdos do amor.
O terceiro sinal do assoalho lê:
Assoalho 3 - Estes homens têm trabalhos, amam o senhor, amam miúdos, e são extremamente bem parecidos.
“Wow,” pensa, mas sente compelida para manter-se ir.
Vai ao quarto assoalho e o sinal lê:
Assoalho 4 - Estes homens têm trabalhos, amam o senhor, amam miúdos, são gota absolutamente bem parecida e ajuda com o housework.
“Oh, mercê eu!” exclamara, “mim pode mal está-la!” Ainda, vai ao quinto assoalho e o sinal lê:
Assoalho 5 - Estes homens têm trabalhos, amam o senhor, amam miúdos, são gota absolutamente gorgeous, ajudam-nos com o housework, e têm-nos uma raia romântica forte.
É assim que tempted permanecer, mas vai ao sexto assoalho e o sinal lê:
Assoalho 6 - Você é o visitante 4, 363.012 a este assoalho. Não há nenhum homem neste assoalho. Este assoalho existe unicamente como a prova que as mulheres são impossíveis a por favor.
Obrigado comprando na loja do marido. Preste atenção a sua etapa como você retira o edifício, e tenha um dia agradável!
Emita por favor isto a todos os homens para um riso bom e a todas as mulheres que podem segurar a verdade!
******************************************************
VOCÊ TEM DUAS VACAS ....................
ECONOMIA TRADICIONAL
você tem duas vacas. Você vende um e compra um touro.
Seu rebanho multiplica e a economia cresce.
Você aposenta-se na renda.
ECONOMIA INDIAN
você tem duas vacas.
Você adora-os.
ECONOMIA PAKISTANI
você não tem nenhumas vacas.
Você reivindica que as vacas Indian lhe pertencem.
Você pede os E.U. para o dae (dispositivo automático de entrada) financeiro, China para o dae (dispositivo automático de entrada)
militar, britânica para Warplanes, Italy para máquinas,
Germany para a tecnologia,
francês para os submarinos,
Switzerland para empréstimos, Rússia para drogas Japão para
o equipamento.
Você compra as vacas com todo o isto e reivindica
a exploração pelo mundo.
ECONOMIA AMERICANA
você tem duas vacas.
Você vende um e força o outro para produzir o leite
de quatro vacas.
Você professa a surpresa quando a vaca deixa cair absolutamente.
Você põe a culpa sobre alguma nação com vacas &
naturalmente essa nação será um perigo à humanidade.
você empreende a guerra para conservar o mundo e para agarrar as vacas.
ECONOMIA FRANCESA
você tem duas vacas.
Você vai na batida porque você quer três vacas.
ECONOMIA ALEMÃO
você tem duas vacas.
Você reengineer eles de modo que vivam por 100 anos,
comam uma vez um mês e se ordenhem.
VACA BRAZILIAN
você tem duas vacas.
Whenver produzem o third, você
arranja para o tournament do soccer e
a equipe ganhando começa-o.
ECONOMIA BRITÂNICA
você tem duas vacas.
São ambas as vacas loucas.
ECONOMIA ITALIANA
você tem duas vacas.
Você não sabe onde estão.
Você quebra para o lunch.
VACA JAMAICAN
você tem duas vacas.
Você alimenta-os com a mesma erva daninha
que você fuma. Escute a música
e a maravilha do Reggae quando o número
girará para uma ECONOMIA que
de três SUÍÇOS
você tem 5000 vacas, nenhuma de que lhe pertence.
Você carrega outro para armazená-lo.
ECONOMIA JAPONESA
você tem duas vacas.
Você redesign os de modo que sejam um décimo
do tamanho de uma vaca ordinária e
produto vinte vezes o leite.
Você então cría as imagens cute da vaca do cartoon chamadas
Cowkimon e introduzi-as no mercado
worldwide.
A ECONOMIA RUSSIAN
você tem duas vacas.
Você conta-os e aprende-os que você tem cinco vacas.
Você conta-os outra vez e aprende-os que você tem 42 vacas.
Você conta-os outra vez e aprende-os que você tem 17 vacas.
Você dá acima a contagem e abre um outro frasco
do vodka.
ECONOMIA CHINESA
você tem duas vacas.
Você tem 300 povos ordenhá-los.
Você reivindica o emprego cheio, a produtividade elevada dos Bovídeos
e a apreensão qualquer um que relata os números reais.
ECONOMIA NIGERIAN: Você {FEDERAL
} teve duas vacas que
você come um e o reivindica era chamada
roubada nas polícias para investigar
as polícias prendeu todos que vivem dentro de 100km
o tortura completamente até que alguém admitiu que
sequestrando a vaca
as polícias coletaram preferivelmente uma vaca cada uma
de todos o prendeu
tem sua parte traseira da vaca e as polícias possuem agora
uma fazenda do gado.
ECONOMIA do YORUBA {
dos TRIBES}
você manda duas vacas
U matá-las ambas
e jogar um partido do owambe!
ECONOMIA do IBO
você manda duas vacas
U fazer moedas falsas muito boas delas
e vendê-las para o preço das vacas reais!
ECONOMIA do HAUSA
você tem duas vacas que
você as eleva até que são quatro
se certificam vacas traseiras dos miúdos do ur demasiado
e se mantêm apenas!
É somente povos de um gracejo!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
o homem do *A estava andando para fora quando caiu sobre a borda de um penhasco. Enquanto hurtled para a terra, controlou apenas pendurar sobre a uma filial projetando-se da árvore. Olhando fixamente para baixo em uma gota de 200 pés a dearth quase determinado, gritou para fora: “Ajude-me, por favor! Está qualquer um acima lá?”
Uma voz profunda voltou: “Sim, meu filho, eu estou acima aqui.”
“Quem é ele?” chamou o homem.
“Seu é o senhor.”
“Pode você ajudar-me?”
“Certamente, meu filho. Deixe apenas vão da filial e eu travá-lo-ei”
o homem pensado por um momento, a seguir shouted: “Está qualquer um mais acima lá?”
(Este é um oldie mas um goodie)
o advogado de A comprou uma caixa de muito raro e os charutos caros, seguraram-no então de encontro ao fogo entre outras coisas. Dentro de um mês que fuma seu stockpile inteiro destes charutos grandes e sem contudo que faz mesmo seu primeiro pagamento superior na política, o advogado arquivou uma reivindicação de encontro à companhia de seguro.
Em sua reivindicação, o advogado indicou que os charutos estiveram perdidos “em uma série de fogos pequenos.” A companhia de seguro recusou pagar, citing a razão óbvia: que o homem tinha consumido os charutos no normal forme. O advogado sued… e ganhado!
Em entregar governar o juiz concordou com a companhia de seguro que a reivindicação era frivolous. O juiz indicou não obstante, aquele o advogado prendeu uma política da companhia em que tinha autorizado que os charutos eram insurable e garantiam também que a seguraria de encontro ao fogo, sem definir o que é considerado ser fogo inaceitável, e estêve obrigada para pagar a reivindicação. Melhor que resista um processo longo e caro da apelação, a companhia de seguro aceitou governar e pagou $15.000.00 ao advogado por sua perda dos charutos raros perdidos nos “fogos. ”
AGORA PARA A MAIS MELHOR PARTE….
Depois que o advogado descontou a verificação, a companhia de seguro teve-o prendido em 24 contagens do ARSON!!!! Com seus próprios reivindicação e testimony de seguro do argumento precedente que está sendo usado de encontro a ele, o advogado convicted intencionalmente de queimar sua propriedade dos insured e foi sentenciado a 24 meses na cadeia e em uma multa $24.000.00
nós dey demasiado!
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!
**************************************************************************
A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !
Ike Ofoche
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs this list to live by
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brainteaser
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahuwa’s Interview
Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.
After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.
ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
Ponderables
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.
NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?
email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
The Magician
There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"
This joke submitted by: Lionhart724
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.
"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."
This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Woman Author Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back Up?
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break In!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
MEST STOR KUGGFRÅGOR ALLRA TIDER
Automatically translated into Swedish thanks to WorldLingo
KUGGFRÅGOR
Pysen
för politik A går till hans farsa och frågar, ”vad är politik? ”
L5At farsanågot att säga, ”den väl sonen, mig försök att förklara det hitåt: Im familjeförsörjaren av familjen, låter så appell mig kapitalism. Din Mom, shes administratören av pengarna, så väl appell henne regeringen. Här var att ta omsorg av dina behov, så väl appell dig folket. Barnflickan, brunn betraktar henne som arbetet klassificerar. Och ditt behandla som ett barn brodern, väl appell honom framtiden. Nu ser funderare om det och, om den makesavkänning, ”
så pysen går av att bädda ned tänkande om vilken farsa hade sagt. Mer sistnämnd, som natten, honom hör his behandla som ett barn brodergråten, så honom får upp till kontrollen på honom. Han finner att behandla som ett barn har strängt smutsat hans blöja. Så går pysen till hans föräldrar hyr rum, och fynd his fostrar solitt sovande. Önska inte att vakna henne, går han till nannysrummet. Finna den låste dörren, kikar ser han i keyholen och hans fader i säng med barnflickan. Han ger sig upp och går tillbaka att bädda ned. Den nästa morgonen avlar pysnågot att säga till his, ”farsa, I tunt K som jag förstår begreppet av politik nu.”, Fadernågot att säga, ”den bra sonen, berättar mig att i ditt eget uttrycker vad du funderarepolitik är all om.”, Pysen svarar, ”väl, skruvar stundkapitalism arbetet klassificerar, är regeringen solitt sovande, ignoreras folket, och framtiden är, i djupt skitit. ”
Jobbbeskrivningar
1. En bankir är en kamrat som lånar dig hans paraply, när sunen är glänsande och önskar att det ska dra tillbaka det minimalt det börjar att regna.
2. En ekonom är ett sakkunnigt ska vem vet i morgon varför saker som han förutsade igår inte händde i dag.
3. En statistician är någon som är bra med numrerar men saknar personligheten för att vara en revisor.
4. En försäkringsstatistiker är någon som kommer med en fejka bombarderar på ett plant, därför att det minskningar riskerar att det ska finns another bombarderar på det plant.
5. En programmerare är någon som löser ett problem, du inte visste att du hade i dig inte förstår långt.
6. En mathematician är lik en blind man i ett mörkerrum som söker efter en svart katt som inte är där.
7. En topologist är någon som inte vet att skillnaden mellan ett kaffe kuper och munken.
8. En advokat är en person som skriver 10.000 uttrycker dokumentet och appeller det ”en resumé. ”
9. En psykolog är någon som klockor alla annars, när en härlig flicka skriver in rummet.
10. En professor är en vem talar i någon elsessömn.
11. En konsulent är någon som tar klockan av din wrist och berättar dig tiden.
12. En kommitté är en förkroppsliga som uppehällen noterar och slöser bort timmar.
Kvinna
för KOMA A maka hade halkat i och ut ur en koma för flera
månader, yet hon hade blivit av hans bedside varje singeldag. En dag då
han vaknade slutligen, vinkade han för att henne ska komma mer nära.
Som hon satt vid honom, viskade synar han, mycket av revor, ”dig vet vad? Du
har varit med mig all till och med dåligatiderna. Då jag fick avfyrad, var du
där att stötta mig. Då min affär missade, var du där. Då jag fick
skjuten, var du vid min sida. När vi som var borttappada huset, dig blev högra här.
När min vård- startade brist, dig var stilla vid min sida. Du vet vad? ”
”Vilken raring?”, Hon frågade försiktigt och att le, som hennes hjärta började att fylla med
värme.
”I-funderare är du otur.”,
Manen
för bikt A är på hans dödsbädd, och hans fru är sammanträde vid hans sida.
Mannågot att säga till frun: ”Hon, måste jag att berätta dig något. ”
Frusvaren: ”Ja, kan du berätta mig något. ”
Man: ”Sovade jag frun med för din syster
”: ”Vet jag”
manen: ”Och fru för din mom
”: ”Vet jag”
manen: ”Sovade jag också med din sekreterare, sätter Mary
” frun en fingra till hans mun, och något att säga som ”jag vet, min älskling, kopplar av nu och låt precis, giftet fungera”.
Dumt ifrågasätter
1. Why lämnar din gynekolog rummet, när du undress?
2. Om en person äger en lappa av landet, äger de den besegrar hela vägen till centrera av jorden?
3. Why satte den cant kvinnan på deras mascara med deras stängda mun?
4. Varför är, kallade det alkoholister anonyma, när det första tinget som du, är stativ upp, och något att säga
”hi, mitt namnger egennamn. Im en alkoholist "?
5. Om du parade ihop, skulle en bulldogg med en Shitsu dig får ett skitsnack?
6. Why kallade är kliver de trappainsida men utanför?
7. Why finns det ett ljust i kylen men inte i frysen?
8. Why mineralvatten som har sipprat till och med berg sedan århundraden tillbaka
att ha ett bruk by att datera?
9. Why har toasters alltid en inställning på dem vilka brännskador din rostat bröd till en skulle
förfärlig knaprig nr. en äter?
10. Var vem den första personen som dangly ser en ko och en något att säga ”sjuk åtstramning för I-funderare dessa saker här och som dricker vad kommer ut”?
11. Bemannar vad i den Kina appellen som deras goda pläterar?
12. Om professorn på den Gilligans ön kan göra, radiosände a ut ur en kokosnöt, why cant som han fixar en spela golfboll i hål i ett fartyg?
13. Why det fåniga stativ på två lägger benen på ryggen, när Pluto återstår på fyra? Theyre båda hundkapplöpning.
14. vad dig appellmanligballerinas?
15. Kan förblinda folk ser deras drömmar, och drömm de?
16. Om den Wile E prärievargen har nog pengar till vid all den Acmeskit varför inte han köp hans matställe?
17. Why är en person som handtag pengar kallade en mäklare?
18. Om quizzes är quizzical, är vad testar?
19. Om havreolja göras från havre, och grönsakolja göras från grönsaker. Vad behandla som ett barn olja göras från?
20. Om en man går i en skog, och inga kvinnor är där att höra att han är honom stillar orätt?
21. Varför är det som, när någon berättar dig att theresmiljarder av stjärnor i universum,
dig tror dem. Men, om de berättar dig, blöter theres målar någonstans dig måste handlag det?
22. Why du appellen det en asteroid när dess yttersida halvklotet, yet appellen det hemorrhoid när dess in din röv?
23. Märkte du någonsin att, om du blåser i hundkapplöpning, vända mot den går tokigt, yet, när du tar honom på en bilritt, han klibbar hans head raksträcka ut fönstret?
DET VINNANDE SKÄMTET
efter mycket försiktig scrutiny, är vi (Laughlab.com) stolt att meddela vårt vinnande skämt. Detta skämt mottog högre värderingar än någon annan gag.
Trumma rulle .....,
En koppla ihop av New Jersey jägare är ut i träna när ett av dem nedgångar till det slipat. Han verkar inte för att andas, his synar rullas tillbaka i hans huvud. Den annan grabben piskar hans cell ringer ut, och appeller som det nöd- servar. Han kippar till operatören: ”Är min vän död! Gör?”, vad kan mig, Operatören, i lugnat lugna uttrycker något att säga: ”Rättvis take det som är lätt. Jag kan hjälpa. Låt oss ser till att han är död., först”, Det finns en tystnad, då skjuten hörs. Grabben uttrycker kommer tillbaka på fodra. Honom något att säga: ”REKO, nu vad?”,
Makalagret!
Ett lager, som säljer makor, har precis öppnat i New York City, var en kvinna kan gå att välja en maka. Bland anvisningarna på hänrycka är en beskrivning av hur lagret fungerar. Du kan besöka lagret ENDAST EN GÅNG!
Det finns sex däckar och attributen av manförhöjningen, som shopparen stiger flygen. Det finns, emellertid, en fånga. . .. du kan välja någon man från en detalj däckar, eller du kan välja att gå upp en däcka, men du kan inte gå tillbaka besegrar undantar för att gå ut byggnaden! Så går en kvinna till makalagret att finna en maka. .
På första däcka underteckna på dörren läser:
Däcka 1 - Dessa manar har jobb och älskar lorden.
Understödja däckar undertecknar läser:
Däcka 2 - Dessa manar har jobb, älskar lorden och förälskelseungar.
Thirden däckar undertecknar läser:
Däcka 3 - Dessa manar har jobb, älskar lorden, älskar ungar och är extremt bra se.
”Överraska,” henne funderare, men känselförnimmelser som tvingas till att gå för uppehälle.
Hon går till fourthen däckar och undertecknar läser:
Däcka 4 - Dessa manar har jobb, älskar lorden, älskar ungar, är död godase och hjälp för droppe med hushållsarbetet.
”Oh, förskoning jag!”, hon utropar, ”mig kan knappt stå den!”, Stilla, går hon till fifthen däckar och undertecknar läser:
Däcka 5 - Dessa manar har jobb, älskar lorden, älskar ungar, är dösnygga, hjälper med hushållsarbetet och har en stark romantiker att göra strimmig.
Hon är så frestat till staget, men hon går till sixthen däckar, och underteckna läser:
Däcka 6 - Du är besökare 4, 363.012 till detta däckar. Det finns inte några manar på denna däckar. Detta däckar finns endast som motståndskraftigt som kvinnor är omöjliga att behaga.
Tacka dig för att shoppa på makalagret. Den din klockan kliver, som du går ut byggnaden, och har en trevlig dag!
Behaga överför detta till alla manar för ett bra skratt och till alla kvinnor som kan behandla sanningen!
******************************************************
HAR DU TVÅ KOR ....................,
TRADITIONELL NATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor. Du säljer en och köp en tjur.
Din flock multiplicerar, och ekonomin växer.
Du avgår på inkomsten.
INDISK NATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor.
Du tillber dem.
PAKISTANSK NATIONALEKONOMI
har du inte några kor.
Du fordrar att de indiska korna tillhörde dig.
Du frågar USEN för finansiellt bistår, Kina för militär
bistår, britten för Warplanes, Italien för bearbetar med maskin,
Tysklandet för teknologi,
franska för ubåtar,
Schweitz för lån, Ryssland för droger Japan för
utrustning.
Du köp korna med allt detta och fordrar
exploatering vid världen.
AMERIKANNATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor.
Du säljer en och tvingar annat till jordbruksprodukter mjölka
av fyra kor.
Du profess överrrakning, när kon tappar dead.
Du satte klander på någon nation med kor, &
naturligt ska den nation är en fara till mankind.
du utkämpar kriger till räddningen världen och hastigt grepp korna.
FRANSK NATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor.
Du går på slag, därför att du önskar tre kor.
TYSK NATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor.
Du reengineer dem, så att de bor för 100 år,
äter när en månad och mjölkar sig.
DEN BRASILIANSKA KON
har du två kor.
Whenver föder upp de thirden, ordnar
du för fotbollturnering, och
det vinnande laget får den.
BRITTISK NATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor.
De är båda tokiga kor.
ITALIENSK NATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor.
Du vet inte var de är.
Du bryter för lunch.
DEN JAMAIKANSKA KON
har du två kor.
Du matar dem med den samma weeden
som du röker. Lyssna till Reggae
musik och under, då numrera ska
vänd till tre
SCHWEIZISKA NATIONALEKONOMI som
du har 5000 kor, ingen av som tillhörde dig.
Du laddar andra för att lagra dem.
JAPANSK NATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor.
Du formar om dem, så att de är one-tenth
storleksanpassa av en det vanligako och
jordbruksprodukter tjugo tider mjölka.
Du skapar därefter den gulliga tecknad filmkon avbildar kallade
Cowkimon och marknadsför dem
över hela världen.
RYSK NATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor.
Du räknar dem och lärer att du har fem kor.
Du räknar dem igen och lärer att du har 42 kor.
Du räknar dem igen och lärer att du har 17 kor.
Du ger upp att räkna och öppnar another buteljerar av
vodka.
KINESISK NATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor.
Du har 300 folk att mjölka dem.
Du fordrar full anställning, nötkreaturs- produktivitet för kick,
och gripande någon som anmäler det faktiskt, numrerar.
NIGERIANSK NATIONALEKONOMI: {FEDERAL}
har du två kor som
du äter en och fordrar den var den stal
appellen i polisen som utforskar
polis, arresterade alla som bor inom 100km,
torterar dem grundligt, tills någon medgav
att kidnappa kon
polisen samlade i stället en ko, varje från
alla arresterade
dig har din kobaksida, och polisen äger nu
en nötkreaturlantgård.
{YORUBANATIONALEKONOMI
för STAMMAR}
har du två kor
U att döda dem båda
och att kasta ett owambeparti!
IBONATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor
U att göra mycket goda förfalskar av dem
och sell för prissätta av de verkliga korna!
HAUSANATIONALEKONOMI
har du två kor som
du fostrar dem kassalådan, de är fyra
ser till bakre kor för urungar för
och underhåller precis!
Det är endast folks för ett skämt!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Amanen gick ut, när han avverkar över kanta av en klippa. Som han rusade in mot det slipat, klarade av han precis till hängningen på till en stickande fram tree förgrena sig. Stirra besegra på en 200 fot tappar till nästan bestämd dearth, honom grät ut: ”Hjälp mig, behar! Är vem som helst upp där?”,
Ett djupt uttrycker kom tillbaka: ”Ja, min son, I-förmiddag upp här.”,
”Vem är det?”, kallade manen.
”Dess är lorden.”,
”Kan du hjälpa mig?”,
”Bestämt, min son. Låt precis går av förgrena sig, och jag ska fångar dig”
manen som tänktes för ett ögonblick, då ropades: ”Är vem som helst annars upp där?”,
Då försäkrat dem mot avfyra bland annat, (denna är
en oldie men en goodie), inhandlade a-advokaten en boxas av mycket sällsynta och dyra cigarrer. Inom en månad som hade rökt hans hela förråd av dessa stora cigarrer och utan yet hade gjort även hans första högvärdiga betalning på politiken, sparade advokaten, en fordra mot försäkringsbolaget.
I his fordra, advokaten påstod cigarrerna var borttappadt ”i en serie av litet avfyrar.”, Försäkringsbolaget vägrade till lönen som citerar det tydligt, resonerar: dana, att manen hade konsumerat cigarrerna i det normala. Den stämmde advokaten…, och segrat!
I att leverera avgörandet, instämmde domaren med försäkringsbolaget som fordra var frivol. Domaren som ändå påstods, det advokaten rymde en politik från företaget som den hade garanterat i att cigarrerna var insurable och garanterade också att den skulle försäkrar dem mot avfyrar, utan definition vad är ansedd att vara oacceptabel avfyrar och obligated för att betala fordra. I stället för uthärda en processaa lång och dyr vädjan, accepterade försäkringsbolaget avgörandet, och betalade $15.000.00 till advokaten för hans förlust av de sällsynta cigarrerna som är borttappada i ”, avfyrar. ”
NU FÖR DEN BÄST DELEN….,
Efter advokaten cashed kontrollen, hade försäkringsbolaget honom att arresteras på 24 räkningar av MORDBRAND!!!! Med hans egna försäkring fordra och vittnesbörden från det föregående fallet som används mot honom, beslogs dömdes advokaten av avsiktligt bränning hans försäkrade egenskap och till 24 månader i arrest och en bot $24.000.00
oss deyen för!
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!
**************************************************************************
A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !
Ike Ofoche
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs this list to live by
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brainteaser
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahuwa’s Interview
Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.
After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.
ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
Ponderables
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.
NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?
email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
The Magician
There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"
This joke submitted by: Lionhart724
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.
"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."
This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Woman Author Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back Up?
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break In!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
БОЛЬШИЕ TEASERS ВСЕХ ВРЕМЕН
Automatically translated into Russian thanks to WorldLingo
TEASERS
Мальчик
a политики маленький идет к его папау и спрашивает, «будет политикой? »
Папа говорит, «хороший сынок, препятствовал мне попытаться объяснить его эта дорога: Im кормец семьи, так препятствует для того чтобы вызвать меня капитализмом. Ваша мама, shes администратор деньг, так добра вызывает ее правительством. Был здесь позаботиться о ваши потребности, так звонок добра вы люди. Nanny, хороше учитывают ее трудовые слои общества. И ваш брат младенца, добро вызывает его будущее. Теперь, думайте о том и см. если то чувство моделей, «
так маленький мальчик идет положить думать в постель о, то что папа сказал. Более поздно что ноча, он слышит, что его брат младенца плачет, поэтому он get up к проверке на ем. Он находит что младенец строги удобрял его пеленку. Так маленький мальчик идет к его комнате родителей и считает его звук мати уснувше. Проспать она, он идет к комнате nannys. Считающ дверь после того как я зафиксирован, он peeks в keyhole и видит его отца в кровати с nanny. Он дает вверх и идет back to кровать. Следующее утро, маленький мальчик говорит к его отцу, «папа, I тонкий k я понимаю принципиальную схему политики теперь.» Отец говорит, «хороший сынок, говорит мне в ваших собственных словах вы думаете политика совсем о.» Маленький мальчик ответил, «наилучшим образом, пока капитализм привинчивает трудовые слои общества, правительство ядровые уснувшими, люди игнорируются и будущее находится в глубоком shit. »
Описания работы
1. Банкошет будет собратом одалживает вас его зонтик когда солнце светит и хочет его назад минута, котор оно начинает идти дождь.
2. Економист будет специалистом знает завтра почему вещи, котор он предсказал вчера не случились сегодня.
3. Statistician кто-то хорошо с номерами но нуждается личности для того чтобы быть бухгалтером.
4. Актуариус кто-то приносит fake бомбу на плоскости, потому что т уменьшает шансы что будет другая бомба на плоскости.
5. Программник кто-то разрешает проблему, котор вы не знали вы имело в дороге вы не понимаете.
6. Mathematician как слепой человек в темной комнате ища черный кот не там.
7. Topologist кто-то не знает разницу между кофейной чашкой и doughnut.
8. Законовед будет персоной пишет документ 10.000 слов и вызывает его «сводкой. »
9. Psychologist кто-то наблюдает каждое еще когда красивейшая девушка входит в комнату.
10. Профессор одним говорит в кто-то сон elses.
11. Консультант кто-то принимает вахту с вашего запястья руки и говорит вам время.
12. Комитетом будет тело держит минуты и расточительствует часы.
Супруг
женщины COMA a смещал in and out of coma на несколько
месяцев, но она осталась его уходом за больным каждый одиночный день. Один день, когда
он окончательно проспал, он жестикулировал для ее для того чтобы прийти более близко.
По мере того как она сидела им, он прошептал, глаза вполне разрывов, «вы знает? Вы
с мной совсем через плохие времена. Когда я получил ым, вы должны были
там поддержать меня. Когда мое дело потерпело неудачу, вы были там. Когда я получил
съемку, вы были моей стороной. Когда мы потеряли дом, вы остались правыми здесь.
Когда мое здоровье начало потерпеть неудачу, вы были все еще моей стороной. Вы знаете? «
«Что дорогие?» Она нежно спросила, усмедущся как ее сердце начало заполнять с
теплом.
«Я думаю вы будет плохим везением.»
Человек
a исповеди находится на его deathbed, и его супруга сидит его стороной.
Человек говорит к супруге: «Hon, я должен сказать вам что-то. »
Ответы супруги: «Да, вы можете сказать мне что-нибыдь. »
Человек: «Я спал с супруга вашей сестрой
»: «Я знаю»
человека: «И супруга вашей мамы
»: «Я знаю»
человека: «Я также спал с вашей секретаршей, Mary»
супруга кладет перст к его рту и говорит «я знаю, моя милочка, теперь как раз ослабляю и препятствую отраве работать».
Тупоумные вопросы
1. Почему ваш gynecologist выходит комната когда вы раздеваете?
2. Если персона имеет часть земли, то они имеют ее полностью вплоть до центр земли?
3. Почему cant женщина положила их mascara дальше при их закрынный рот?
4. Почему оно вызвало алкоголичок подметно когда первая вещь, котор вы делаете будет стоять вверх и говорит
«hi, мои имена Bob. Im алкоголичка "?
5. Если вы сопрягали, то бульдог с Shitsu вы получили бы Bullshit?
6. Почему будут они вызванные внутренностью но шагами лестниц снаружи?
7. Почему свет в холодильнике но не в замораживателе?
8. Почему делает минеральная вода trickled через горы на столетия
иметь пользу к дата?
9. Почему toasters всегда имеют установку на их которые ожогы ваша здравица к
horrible crisp no one съела бы?
10. Было первой персоной для того чтобы посмотреть корову и мнение «я думаю больная выжимка эти dangly вещи здесь и выпиваю приходит вне»?
11. Люди в Китае вызывают их хорошими плитами?
12. Если профессор на острове Gilligans может сделать радиоего из кокоса, то почему cant он исправляет отверстие в шлюпке?
13. Почему Goofy стоит на 2 ногах когда Pluto remain on 4? Theyre обе собаки.
14. Вы вызываете мыжскими ballerinas?
15. Смогите ослепить людей увидеть их сновидения и они мечтают?
16. Если койот Wile e имеет достаточную деньг к всей той гречихе, то акме почему не делает он купите его обед?
17. Почему будет персона ручки деньг вызвали маклером?
18. Если викторины quizzical, то будут испытаниями?
19. Если масло мозоли сделано от мозоли и овощное масло сделано от овощей. Масло младенца сделано от?
20. Если человек гуляет в пущу и никакие женщины не там услышать, то он будет им все еще вредит?
21. Почему оно когда кто-то говорит вам что миллиардыы theres звезд в вселенном,
вас верят им. Но если они говорят вам theres влажная краска где-то, то вы должны коснуться ей?
22. Почему вы вызываете его астероидом когда свое снаружи полусфера, но вызывает ее hemorrhoid когда свой внутри ваш ишак?
23. Вы всегда замечали что если вы дуньте в собаки, то смотреть на его идет сумашедше, но когда вы принимаете его на езде автомобиля он вставляет его головная прямую вне окно?
ВЫИГРЫВАЯ ШУТКА
после очень тщательного вникновения, мы (Laughlab.com) самолюбивы объявить нашу выигрывая шутку. Эта шутка получила более высокие номинальности чем любой другой кляп.
Крен барабанчика .....
Пара охотников Нью-Джерси находится вне в древесинах когда одно из их падения к земле. Он не кажется, что дышает, его глаза свернут назад в его головке. Другая ванта взбивает вне его телефон клетки и вызывает аварийные службаы. Он задыхается к оператору: «Мой друг мертв! Может я сделайте?» Оператор, в штилевом успокоенном голосе говорит: «Справедливое взятие оно легкое. Я могу помочь. Во первых, препятствуйте нам make sure он мертв.» Будет безмолвие, тогда съемка услышана. Голос ванты come back на линии. Он говорит: «ОДОБРЕНН, теперь?»
Магазин супруга!
Магазин продает супругов как раз раскрывал в New York City, где женщина может пойти выбрать супруга. Среди инструкций на входе находится описание как магазин работает. Вы можете посещать магазин ТОЛЬКО РАЗ!
6 полов и атрибуты людей увеличивают по мере того как shopper восходит полеты. Будет, однако, задвижка. . .. вы можете выбрать любого человека от определенного пола, или вы можете выбрать пойти вверх по полу, но вы не можете пойти назад вниз за исключением выйти здание! Так, женщина идет к магазину супруга найти супруга. .
На первом этаже знак на двери читает:
Пол 1 - Эти люди имеют работы и любят лорда.
Второй знак пола читает:
Пол 2 - Эти люди имеют работы, любят лорда, и малышей влюбленности.
Третий знак пола читает:
Пол 3 - Эти люди имеют работы, любят лорда, любят малышей, и весьма хороший смотреть.
«Wow,» она думает, но чувствует вынужденной держать пойти.
Она идет к четвертому полу и знак читает:
Пол 4 - Эти люди имеют работы, любят лорда, любят малышей, будут смотреть и помощью падения мертво хорошие с housework.
«Oh, пощада я!» она кричит, «я может трудно стоять оно!» Все еще, она идет к пятому полу и знак читает:
Пол 5 - Эти люди имеют работы, любят лорда, любят малышей, будут падением мертво gorgeous, помогают с housework, и имеют сильную романтичную штриховатость.
Она поэтому после того как я уговорена для того чтобы остаться, но она идет к шестому полу и знак читает:
Пол 6 - Вы будете визитером 4, 363.012 к этому полу. Не будут людей на этом поле. Этот пол существует единственно как доказательство что женщины невозможны к пожалуйста.
Вы для ходить по магазинам на магазине супруга. Наблюдайте ваш шаг по мере того как вы выходите здание, и имейте славный день!
Пожалуйста пошлите это к всем людям для хорошего смеха и к всем женщинам могут отрегулировать правду!
******************************************************
ВЫ ИМЕЕТЕ 2 КОРОВ ....................
ТРАДИЦИОННОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы имеете 2 коров. Вы продаете одно и покупаете bull.
Ваш табун умножит и экономия растет.
Вы выбываете на доходе.
ИНДИЙСКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы имеете 2 коров.
Вы поклоняетесь они.
ПАКИСТАНСКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы не имеете NIKAKих коров.
Вы требуете что индийские коровы принадлежат к вам.
Вы просите США финансовая субсидия, Китай для воинской
помощи, великобританский для Warplanes, Италии для машин,
Германии для технологии,
французской для подводных лодок,
Швейцарии для займов, России для снадобиь японии для
оборудования.
Вы покупаете коровам с всем этим и требуете
эксплуатирование миром.
АМЕРИКАНСКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы имеете 2 коров.
Вы продаете одно и принуждаете другое для того чтобы произвести молоко
4 коров.
Вы profess сярприз когда корова падает мертво.
Вы одеваете в поричание некоторая нация с коровами &
естественно той нацией будет опасность к mankind.
вы провожаете кампанию война для того чтобы сохранить мир и схватить коров.
ФРАНЦУЗСКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы имеете 2 коров.
Вы идете на забастовку потому что вы хотите 3 коров.
НЕМЕЦКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы имеете 2 коров.
Вы reengineer они TAK, CTO они будут жить на 100 лет,
едят раз в месяц и доят.
БРАЗИЛЬСКАЯ КОРОВА
вы имеете 2 коров.
Whenver они разводят треть, вы
аранжируете для турниров soccer и
выигрывая команда получает ее.
ВЕЛИКОБРИТАНСКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы имеете 2 коров.
Они будут обе сумашедших коровы.
ИТАЛЬЯНСКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы имеете 2 коров.
Вы не знаете где они.
Вы ломаете для обеда.
JAMAICAN КОРОВА
вы имеете 2 коров.
Вы подаете они с таким же засорителем
вы курите. Слушайте к нот
Reggae и интересу когда номер
повернет к ДОМОВОДСТВУ
3 ШВЕЙЦАРЦЕВ, котор
вы имеете 5000 коров, никакому of which принадлежите к вам.
Вы поручаете другие для хранить они.
ЯПОНСКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы имеете 2 коров.
Вы переконструируете их TAK, CTO они будут 0,1
размера обычной коровы и
производите 20 времен молоко.
Вы после этого создаете cute вызванные изображения коровы шаржа
Cowkimon и выходите их вышед на рынок на рынок
всемирно.
РУССКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы имеете 2 коров.
Вы подсчитываете их и учите вы имеет 5 коров.
Вы подсчитываете их снова и учите вы имеет 42 коров.
Вы подсчитываете их снова и учите вы имеет 17 коров.
Вы даете вверх подсчитывать и раскрываете другую бутылку
водочки.
КИТАЙСКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО
вы имеете 2 коров.
Вы имеете 300 людей надоить их.
Вы требуете полную занятость, высокую урожайность bovine
и арестование любое сообщая фактические номера.
НИГЕРИЙСКОЕ ДОМОВОДСТВО: {ФЕДЕРАЛЬНЫЕ}
вы имеете 2 коров, котор
вы едите одну и требуете ее были украденным
звоноком в полициях для того чтобы расследовать
полиций арестовали каждое живя не познее 100km
пытаете их тщательно до тех пор пока кто-то впущенное
kidnapping корова
полиции вместо не собрать одну корову каждое от
каждого арестовало
вас имеет вашу заднюю часть коровы и полиции теперь будут иметь
скотоводческое хозяйство.
{ТРИБЫ}
ДОМОВОДСТВО YORUBA
вы имеете 2 коров
u убить их оба
и бросить партию owambe!
ДОМОВОДСТВО IBO
вы имеете 2 коров
u сделать очень хорошие counterfeits их
и продать для цены реальных коров!
ДОМОВОДСТВО HAUSA
вы имеете 2 коров, котор
вы поднимаете их до они 4
make sure коровы малышей ur задние слишком
и как раз поддерживают!
Это будет только людьми шутки!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
человек *A вне гулял когда он упал над краем скалы. По мере того как он hurtled к земле, он как раз управлял повиснуть дальше к выступая ветви вала. Вытаращащся вниз на падении в 200 ног к почти некоторому dearth, он заплакал вне: «Помогите мне, пожалуйста! Anybody вверх там?»
Глубокий голос come back: «Да, мой сынок, я вверх здесь.»
«Будет им?» вызвал человека.
«Сво лорд.»
«Можете вы помочь мне?»
«Некоторо, мой сынок. Как раз препятствуйте пойдите ветви и я уловлю вас»
ый человек думаемый на момент, тогда: «Anybody еще вверх там?»
(Это будет oldie но goodie)
законовед a закупил коробку очень редкого и дорогие сигары, после этого обеспечили их против пожара между прочим. В пределах месяца куря его весь stockpile этих больших сигар и без но делая даже его компенсацию первого страхового взноса на политике, законовед хранил заявку против страховой компании.
В его заявке, законовед заявил сигары были потеряны «in a series of малые пожары.» Страховая компания отказала оплатить, цитирующ очевидную причину: что человек уничтожил сигары в нормальной фасонируйте. Посуженный законовед… и выиграно!
В поставлять управлять судья согласилось с страховой компанией что заявка была легкомысленна. Судья заявило однако, то законовед держало политику от компании в которой оно гарантировало что сигары были insurable и также гарантировали что она обеспечит их против пожара, без определять рассмотрены, что будет неприемлемый пожар, и была obligated оплатить заявку. Rather than вытерпите длинномерный и дорогой процесс воззвания, страховая компания признавала управлять и оплачивала $15.000.00 к законоведу для его потери редких сигар потерянных в «пожарах. »
ТЕПЕРЬ ДЛЯ САМОЙ ЛУЧШЕЙ ЧАСТИ….
После того как законовед получал проверку наличными, страховая компания имела его быть арестованным на 24 отсчетах ПОДЖОГА!!!! С его собственные и свидетельствованием претензии по гарантии от ранее будучи использованным случая против его, законовед был осужен преднамеренно гореть его свойство insured и присужен до 24 месяца в тюрьме и штрафе $24.000.00
мы dey слишком!
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!
**************************************************************************
A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !
Ike Ofoche
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs this list to live by
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brainteaser
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahuwa’s Interview
Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.
After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.
ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
Ponderables
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.
NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?
email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
The Magician
There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"
This joke submitted by: Lionhart724
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.
"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."
This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Woman Author Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back Up?
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break In!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
GROOTSTE TEASERS VAN ALLE TIJDEN
Automatically translated into Dutch thanks to WorldLingo
TEASERS
De politiek
A weinig jongen gaat naar zijn papa en vraagt, „wat politiek is? De“
papa zegt, „goed zoon, liet me proberen om het te verklaren deze manier: Im de kostwinner van de familie, zodat laat me kapitalisme roepen. Uw Mom, shes de beheerder van het geld, roept haar zo goed de Overheid. Waren hier uw behoeften, zo goed vraag te behandelen u de mensen. Nanny, beschouwt als haar goed de Arbeidersklasse. En uw babybroer, roept hem goed de Toekomst. Nu, denk over dat en zie of gaat die merkenbetekenis,
„zo de kleine jongen naar bed af denkend over wat de papa had gezegd. Later die nacht, hoort hij zijn babybroer het schreeuwen, zodat staat hij om op hem te controleren op. Hij vindt dat de baby streng zijn diaper heeft bevuild. Zo gaat de kleine jongen naar zijn oudersruimte en vindt zijn moedergeluid in slaap. Willend niet haar wekken, gaat hij naar de nannysruimte. Vindend de deur gesloten, gluurt hij in het sleutelgat en ziet zijn vader in bed met nanny. Hij geeft en gaat aan bed op terug. De volgende ochtend, zegt de kleine jongen aan zijn vader, „Papa, verdun ik k ik het concept nu politiek.“ begrijp De vader zegt, „Goede zoon, vertelt me in uw eigen woorden wat u denkt de politiek ongeveer allen.“ is De kleine jongen antwoordt, „, terwijl het Kapitalisme de Arbeidersklasse schroeft, de Overheid is correcte goed in slaap, worden de Mensen genegeerd en de Toekomst is in diepe shit. “
Beschrijvingen van de baan
1. Een bankier is een kameraad die u zijn paraplu leent wanneer de zon glanst en achter het de minuut wil het begint te regenen.
2. Een econoom is een deskundige die morgen zal weten waarom de dingen die hij gisteren niet vandaag gebeurden heeft voorspeld.
3. Een statisticus is iemand wie is goed met aantallen maar de persoonlijkheid om een accountant niet heeft te zijn.
4. Een actuaris is iemand wie een valse bom op een vliegtuig brengt, omdat die dalingen de kansen dat er een andere bom op het vliegtuig zal zijn.
5. Een programmeur is iemand wie een probleem oplost u niet wist u op een bepaalde manier u niet begrijpt had.
6. Een wiskundige is als een blinde mens die in een donkere ruimte een zwarte kat zoekt die niet daar is.
7. Een topologist is iemand wie niet het verschil tussen een koffiekop en een doughnut kent.
8. Een advocaat is een persoon die een 10.000 woorddocument schrijft en het een „memorandum roept. “
9. Een psycholoog is iemand wie op iedereen anders let wanneer een mooi meisje de ruimte ingaat.
10. Een professor is één wie in iemand elses slaap spreekt.
11. Een adviseur is iemand wie het horloge uit uw pols verwijdert en u de tijd vertelt.
12. Een commissie is een lichaam dat notulen houdt en uren verspilt.
De echtgenoot
van de vrouw van COMA A was in en uit een coma voor verscheidene maanden
uitgegleden, nog was zij door zijn bed elke enige dag gebleven. Één dag, toen
hij definitief wekte, beduidde hij voor haar om dichter te komen.
Aangezien zij door hem zat, fluisterde hij, ogenhoogtepunt van scheuren, „weet u wat? U bent
met me allen door de slechte tijden geweest. Toen ik in brand gestoken werd, moest u
daar me steunen. Toen mijn zaken ontbraken, daar was u. Toen ik schot
kreeg, was u door mijn kant. Toen wij het huis verloren, bleef u net hier.
Toen mijn gezondheid begon te ontbreken, was u nog door mijn kant. U weet wat? „
„Welke beste?“ Zij vroeg zacht, glimlachend aangezien haar hart met warmte begon
te vullen.
„Ik denk u pech.“ bent
De mens
van de bekentenis A is op zijn deathbed, en zijn vrouw zit door zijn kant.
De man zegt aan de vrouw: „Hon, moet ik u iets vertellen. De“
vrouw antwoordt: „Ja, kunt u me om het even wat vertellen. “
Mens: „ik sliep met uw zuster“
Vrouw: „ik ken“
de Mens: „En uw mom“
Vrouw: „ik ken“
de Mens: „ik sliep ook met uw secretaresse, zet Mary
“ de vrouw een vinger aan zijn mond en zegt „ik het weet, mijn ontspant darling, nu en liet enkel het vergiftwerk“.
Stomme Vragen
1. Waarom verlaat uw gynaecoloog de ruimte wanneer u undress?
2. Als een persoon een stuk van land bezit, bezitten zij het neer al manier aan het centrum van de aarde?
3. Waarom afschuin vrouw aanzetten hun mascara met hun gesloten mond?
4. Waarom is riep het alcoholisten anoniem wanneer het eerste ding u doet tribune omhoog is en „
hallo, mijn namenLoodje zegt. Im alcoholisch "?
5. Als u een Buldog met een Shitsu koppelde zou u een Bullshit krijgen?
6. Waarom zijn buiten geroepen zij stairs binnenkant maar stappen?
7. Waarom is er een licht in de koelkast maar niet in de diepvriezer?
8. Waarom mineraal water dat door bergen eeuwenlang heeft gedruppeld
hebben een gebruik door datum?
9. Waarom hebben de broodroosters altijd het plaatsen op hen welke brandwonden uw toost aan
afschuwelijke kernachtig niemand zou eten?
10. Who was de eerste persoon om een koe „ik denkt dangly zieke samendrukking deze dingen hier en te zeggen te bekijken en drank wat uit“ komt?
11. Wat roepen de mensen in China hun goede platen?
12. Als de professor op Eiland Gilligans een radio uit een kokosnoot kan maken, waarom afschuin hij bevestigen een gat in een boot?
13. Waarom bevindt zich Goofy op twee benen wanneer Pluto op vier blijft? Theyre beide honden.
14. Wat roept u mannelijke ballerinas?
15. Kunnen de blinde mensen hun zien dromen en dromen zij?
16. Als de coyote van Wile E heeft koopt genoeg geld aan door al dat Acme crap waarom niet hij zijn diner?
17. Waarom is een persoon die de handvatten geld een makelaar riepen?
18. Als de quizzen quizzical zijn, wat zijn tests?
19. Als de maïsolie van graan wordt gemaakt en de plantaardige olie van groenten wordt gemaakt. Wat de baby wordt olie gemaakt van?
20. Als is een man in een bos en geen vrouwen loopt daar hem is hij nog schaden te horen?
21. Waarom het dat is wanneer iemand u vertelt dat theres miljarden sterren in het heelal,
u hen geloven. Maar als zij u theres natte verf ergens vertellen moet u het raken?
22. Waarom roept u het een asteroïde wanneer zijn buitenkant de hemisfeer, nog het binnen hemorrhoid wanneer zijn uw ezel roept?
23. Merkte u ooit dat op als u in een hondengezicht blaast het gek gaat, nog wanneer u neemt hem op een autorit hij uit zijn hoofd recht het venster plakt?
De het WINNEN GRAP
na veel zorgvuldig nauwkeurig onderzoek, zijn wij (Laughlab.com) trots om onze het winnen grap aan te kondigen. Deze grap ontving hogere classificaties dan een andere prop.
Het broodje van de trommel .....
Een paar jagers van New Jersey zijn uit in het hout wanneer één van hen dalingen aan de grond. Hij schijnt niet te ademen, worden zijn ogen geannuleerd in zijn hoofd. De andere kerel ranselt uit zijn celtelefoon en roept de hulpdiensten. Hij hijgt aan de exploitant: „Mijn vriend is dood! Wat ik kan?“ De exploitant, in een kalme soothing stem zegt: „Neem gemakkelijk het enkel. Ik kan helpen. Eerst, zorg ervoor hij.“ dood is Er is een stilte, dan wordt een schot gehoord. De stem van de kerel komt op de lijn terug. Hij zegt: „O.K., nu wat?“
De opslag van de Echtgenoot!
Een opslag die echtgenoten verkoopt heeft net in de Stad van New York geopend, waar een vrouw kan gaan een echtgenoot kiezen. Onder de instructies bij de ingang is een beschrijving van hoe de opslag werkt. U kunt de opslag SLECHTS EENMAAL bezoeken!
Er zijn zes vloeren en de attributen van de mensenverhoging aangezien de klant de vluchten stijgt. Er is, echter, een vangst. . .. u kunt de om het even welke mens van een bepaalde vloer kiezen, of u kunt verkiezen om een vloer uit te gaan, maar u kunt neer teruggaan niet behalve om het gebouw weg te gaan! Zo, gaat een vrouw naar de Opslag van de Echtgenoot een echtgenoot vinden. .
Op de eerste verdieping leest het teken op de deur:
Vloer 1 - Deze mensen hebben banen en houden van Lord.
Het tweede verdieping teken leest:
Vloer 2 - Deze mensen hebben banen, houden van Lord, en van liefdejonge geitjes.
Het derde verdieping teken leest:
Vloer 3 - Deze mensen hebben banen, houden van Lord, houden van jonge geitjes, en zijn uiterst knap.
„Wow,“ zij denkt, maar voelt gedwongen houden gaand.
Zij gaat naar de vierde verdieping en het teken leest:
Vloer 4 - Deze mensen hebben banen, houden van Lord, houden van jonge geitjes, zijn volkomen knappe daling en hulp met het huishoudelijk werk.
„Oh, genade me!“ zij roept uit, „ik kan me het nauwelijks bevinden!“ Nog, gaat zij naar de vijfde verdieping en het teken leest:
Vloer 5 - Deze mensen hebben banen, houden van Lord, houden van jonge geitjes, zijn volkomen schitterende daling, helpen met het huishoudelijk werk, en hebben een sterke romantische strook.
Zij wordt zo verleid om te blijven, maar zij gaat naar de zesde verdieping en het teken leest:
Vloer 6 - u bent bezoeker 4, 363.012 aan deze vloer. Er zijn geen mensen op deze vloer. Deze vloer bestaat alleen als bewijs dat de vrouwen aan gelieve onmogelijk te zijn.
Dank u voor het winkelen bij de Opslag van de Echtgenoot. Let op uw stap aangezien u het gebouw weggaat, en hebben een aardige dag!
Gelieve te verzenden dit naar alle mannen voor een goede lach en naar alle vrouwen die de waarheid kunnen behandelen!
******************************************************
HEBT U TWEE KOEIEN ....................
De TRADITIONELE ECONOMIE
u heeft twee koeien. U verkoopt één en koopt een stier.
Uw kudde vermenigvuldigt zich en de economie groeit.
U trekt zich op het inkomen terug.
De INDISCHE ECONOMIE
u heeft twee koeien.
U aanbidt hen.
De PAKISTAANSE ECONOMIE
u heeft geen koeien.
U beweert dat de Indische koeien tot u behoren.
U vraagt de V.S. om financiële steun, China voor militaire
hulp, Britten voor Gevechtsvliegtuigen, Italië voor machines,
Duitsland voor technologie,
het Frans voor onderzeeërs,
Zwitserland voor leningen, Rusland voor drugs Japan voor
materiaal.
U koopt de koeien met dit alles en eisen
benutting door de wereld.
De AMERIKAANSE ECONOMIE
u heeft twee koeien.
U verkoopt één en dwingt andere om de melk van
vier koeien te produceren.
U beweert verrassing wanneer de koe doden laat vallen.
U zet de schuld op één of andere natie met koeien &
natuurlijk zal die natie een gevaar voor mensheid zijn.
u loonoorlog om de wereld te bewaren en de koeien te grijpen.
De FRANSE ECONOMIE
u heeft twee koeien.
U gaat op staking omdat u drie koeien wilt.
De DUITSE ECONOMIE
u heeft twee koeien.
U reengineer hen zodat zij 100 jaar leven,
één keer per maand eten en zich melken.
De BRAZILIAANSE KOE
u heeft twee koeien.
Whenver kweken zij het derde, schikt
u voor voetbaltoernooien en
het winnende team krijgt het.
De BRITSE ECONOMIE
u heeft twee koeien.
Zij zijn beide gekke koeien.
De ITALIAANSE ECONOMIE
u heeft twee koeien.
U weet niet waar zij zijn.
U breekt voor lunch.
De JAMAICAANSE KOE
u heeft twee koeien.
U voedt hen met het zelfde onkruid
dat u rookt. Luister aan muziek
Reggae en ben benieuwd wanneer het aantal
aan ZWITSERSE ECONOMIE
zal draaien drie
u 5000 koeien hebt, geen waarvan tot u behoort.
U laadt anderen voor het opslaan van hen.
De JAPANSE ECONOMIE
u heeft twee koeien.
U herontwerpt hen zodat zij één tiende de grootte
van een gewone koe en opbrengst
twintig keer de melk zijn.
U cre�ërt dan de leuke beelden van de beeldverhaalkoe genoemd
Cowkimon en brengt wereldwijd
hen op de markt.
De RUSSISCHE ECONOMIE
u heeft twee koeien.
U telt hen en leert u vijf koeien hebt.
U telt hen opnieuw en leert u 42 koeien hebt.
U telt hen opnieuw en leert u 17 koeien hebt.
U geeft op tellend en opent een andere fles
wodka.
De CHINESE ECONOMIE
u heeft twee koeien.
U hebt 300 mensen die hen melken.
U eist volledige werkgelegenheid, hoge runderproductiviteit
en arrestatie iedereen die de daadwerkelijke aantallen meldt.
NIGERIAANSE ECONOMIE: {FEDERALE}
u hebt twee koeien
u één eet en eist het gestolen Vraag
in de Politie was om Politie
te onderzoeken arresteerde iedereen dat binnen 100km leeft
grondig martelt hen tot iemand toeliet
ontvoerend de koe
de politie in plaats daarvan één koe verzamelde elk van
gearresteerd iedereen
u uw koerug hebt en de Politie nu een vee
landbouwbedrijf bezit.
{STAMMEN}
de ECONOMIE YORUBA
u heeft twee koeien
U hen doden allebei
en een owambepartij werpen!
De ECONOMIE IBO
u heeft twee koeien
U zeer goede vervalsingen van hen maken
en voor de prijs van de echte koeien verkopen!
De ECONOMIE HAUSA
u heeft twee koeien
u hen grootbrengt tot zij vier zijn
ervoor zorgen ur de jonge geitjes ook koeien grootbrengen
en enkel handhaven!
Het is slechts een grappenmensen!
*A de mens stapte op toen hij over de rand van een klip viel. Aangezien hij naar de grond hurtled, slaagde hij enkel erin om op een vooruitstekende boomtak te hangen. Neer starend bij een 200 voet daling aan bijna bepaald gebrek, schreeuwde hij: „Help me, tevreden! Is omhoog daar om het even wie?“
Een diepe stem kwam terug: „Ja, mijn zoon, ben ik omhoog hier.“
„Who is het?“ oproepen de man.
„Zijn is Lord.“
„Kunt u me?“ helpen
„Zeker, mijn zoon. Laat enkel van de tak gaan en ik zal u de“
Die voor een ogenblik wordt gedacht, dan geschreeuwde man vangen: „Is om het even wie anders omhoog daar?“
(Dit is een oldie maar een goodie)
de advocaat van A kocht een doos van zeer zeldzame en dure sigaren, verzekerde hen toen onder andere tegen brand. Binnen een maand die zijn volledige voorraad van deze grote sigaren en zonder nog zelfs zijn eerste premiebetaling verricht te hebben heeft gerookt over de polis, diende de advocaat een eis tegen de verzekeringsmaatschappij in.
In zijn eis, verklaarde de advocaat de sigaren „in een reeks van kleine branden.“ werden verloren De verzekeringsmaatschappij weigerde te betalen, aanhalend de duidelijke reden: dat de man de sigaren op de normale manier had verbruikt. De vervolgde advocaat… en gewonnen!
Bij het leveren van de uitspraak was de rechter met de verzekeringsmaatschappij het ermee eens dat de eis onbelangrijk was. De rechter verklaarde niettemin, die de advocaat een polis van het bedrijf bezat waarin het had gerechtvaardigd dat de sigaren verzekerbaar waren en ook waarborgden dat het hen tegen brand, zonder te bepalen zou verzekeren wat om onaanvaardbare brand, wordt beschouwd als en verplicht om de eis te betalen. Eerder dan om een beroepproces te verdragen van lange adem en duur, stemde de verzekeringsmaatschappij de uitspraak ermee in en betaalde $15,000.00 aan de advocaat voor zijn verlies van de zeldzame sigaren die in de „branden worden verloren. “
NU VOOR HET BESTE DEEL….
Nadat de advocaat de controle inde, had de verzekeringsmaatschappij hem gearresteerd op 24 tellingen van BRANDSTICHTING!!!! Met zijn eigen verzekeringseis en verklaring van het vorige geval dat tegen hem wordt gebruikt, werd de advocaat veroordeeld wegens opzettelijk het branden van zijn verzekerd bezit en werd ook veroordeeld aan 24 maanden in gevangenis en $24,000.00
fijn dey wij!
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!
**************************************************************************
A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !
Ike Ofoche
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs this list to live by
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brainteaser
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahuwa’s Interview
Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.
After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.
ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
Ponderables
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.
NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?
email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
The Magician
There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"
This joke submitted by: Lionhart724
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.
"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."
This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Woman Author Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back Up?
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break In!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
بئر مشكلة عظيمة من كلّ أوقات
Automatically translated into Arabic thanks to WorldLingo
بئر مشكلة
سياسة
[ا] يذهب فتى صغيرة إلى أبه ويسأل, "ماذا سياسة? "
يقول أب, "إبنة جيّدة, تركني حاولت أن يفسّر هو هذا طريق: يترك [إيم] المعيلة من الأسرة, هكذا دعاتني رأسماليّة. يدعوه [موم] ك, [شس] المديرة من المال, هكذا بئر الحكومة. كان هنا أن يأخذ عناية من حاجاتك, هكذا بئر دعوة أنت الالناس. يعتبره المربّية, بئر ال [ووركينغ كلسّ]. وك طفلة يدعوه أخ, بئر المستقبل. فكّرت الآن, حول أنّ ورأيت إن أنّ صنع إحساس, "
هكذا الفتى صغيرة يذهب باتّجاه آخر أن يغرس يفكّر حول ما أب كان قد قال. فيما بعد أنّ ليلة, يسمع هو ه طفلة أخ يصرخ, لذلك هو يفيق إلى تدقيق على ه. هو يجد أنّ يلوّث الطفلة يتلقّى بقساوة حفّاظته. هكذا يذهب الفتى صغيرة إلى ه واجدات غرفة ويجد ه أم صوة نائمة. لا يريد أن يصحوه, يذهب هو إلى ال [ننّس] غرفة. يجد الباب يقفل, ينظر هو في الثقب مفتاح ويرى أبه في سرير مع المربّية. هو يعطي فوق ويذهب [بك تو] سرير. الصباح تالية, يقول الفتى صغيرة إلى أبه, "أب, أنا [ك] رقيقة أنا أفهم المفهوم السياسة الآن." يقول الأب, "إبنة جيّدة, يقولني في ك خاصّة كلمات ماذا أنت تفكّر سياسة جميعا حول." يجيب الفتى صغيرة, "جيّدا, بينما رأسماليّة يكون يلولب ال [ووركينغ كلسّ], الحكومة صحيحة نائمة, الالناس يكون تجاهلت والمستقبل في [شيت] عميقة. "
[جوب دسكريبأيشن]
1. مصرفية رفيقة الذي يسلّف أنت مظلته عندما يلمع الشمس ويريد هو إلى الخلف الدقيقة هو يبدأ أن يمطر.
2. إقتصادية خبيرة الذي سيعرف غدا لما الأشياء هو تنبّأ بالأمس لم يحدثوا اليوم.
3. إحصائية أحد ما الذي يكون جيّدة مع أرقام غير أنّ يفتقر الشخصية أن يكون محاسبة.
4. خبيرة أحد ما الذي يحضر قنبلة مقلّدة على طائرة, لأنّ أنّ ينخفض الفرص أنّ سيكون هناك آخر قنبلة على الطائرة.
5. مبرمجة أحد ما الذي يحلّ مشكلة أنت لم تعرف تلقّى أنت في طريق أنت لا تفهم.
6. رياضية مثل رجل عمياء في غرفة مظلمة يفتّش قطة سوداء أنّ ليس هناك.
7. [توبولوجست] أحد ما الذي لا يعرف الفرق بين [كفّ كب] وأنبوب حلقيّ.
8. محامية شخص الذي يكتب 10,000 كلمة وثيقة ويدعو هو "موجز. "
9. نفسانية أحد ما الذي [وتشس] كلّ شخص وإلّا عندما يدخل بنت جميلة الغرفة.
10. أستاذة واحدة الذي يتحدّث في أحد ما [إلسس] نوم.
11. مستشارة أحد ما الذي يأخذ الساعة من معصمك ويقول أنت الوقت.
12. لجنة جسم أنّ يحافظ دقائق ويبدّد ساعات.
حالة سبات
[ا] إمرأة انزلق زوج تلقّى يكون [إين ند ووت وف] حالة سبات ل عدّة
شهور, مع ذلك هو كان قد بقي بجانب سريره كلّ يوم وحيد. واحدة يوم, عندما
صحا هو أخيرا, هو أشار ل ه أن يأتي قريبا.
بما أنّ هو جلس ب ه, هو همس, يحدّ تماما من دموع, "أنت يعرف ماذا? أنت
قد كنت مع ي جميعا من خلال الأوقات سيّئة. عندما حصل أنا أطلق النار, أنت كنت
هناك أن يساندني. عندما [فيلد] عملي, أنت كنت هناك. عندما حصل
أنا طلقة خردق, أنت كنت بجانبي. عندما خسر نحن المنزل, أنت بقيت يصحّح هنا.
عندما بدأ صحتي [فيلينغ], أنت كنت بعد بجانبي. أنت تعرف ماذا? "
"ما عزيزة?" هو بلطف سأل, يبتسم بما أنّ بدأ قلبه أن يملأ مع
حرارة.
"يفكّر أنا أنت حظ سيّئة."
إعتراف
[ا] رجل على فراش موته, ويجلس زوجته بجانبه.
يقول الرجل إلى الزوجة: "[هون], أنا يضطرّ قلت أنت شيء. "
الزوجة جوابات: "نعم, أنت يستطيع قلتني أيّ شيء. "
رجل: "نام أنا مع أختك"
زوجة: "يعرف أنا"
رجل: "و [موم] ك"
زوجة: "يعرف أنا"
رجل: "نام أنا أيضا مع سكرتيرتك, ميري"
الزوجة يضع إصبع إلى فمه ويقول "أنا أعرف, حبيبتي, الآن فقط يسترخي ويترك السم عملت".
أسئلة
حمقاء 1. لماذا طبيب نسائيّك يترك الغرفة عندما يعري أنت?
2. إن شخص يمتلك قطعة الأرض, هم يمتلكون هو [ألّ ث] طريق ينزل إلى المركز من الأرض?
3. لماذا إمرأة [كنت] وضع مسكراهم فوق مع فمهم يغلق?
4. لما يكون دعا هو [ألكهوليك نونمووس] عندما الشيء أولى أنت تتمّ يقف فوق ويقول
"مرحبا, اسمي [بوب]. [إيم] مدمن على الكحول "?
5. إن أنت زاوجت بلدغ مع [شيتسو] أنت حصلت [بولّشيت]?
6. لماذا يكونون هم يدعى درجات داخل غير أنّ [ستبس] في الخارج?
7. لماذا يكون هناك ضوء في البرّاد غير أنّ لا في المجلد?
8. لماذا يتمّ [مينرل وتر] أنّ قد نضّ من خلال أجبال لقرون
يتلقّى إستعمال بتاريخ?
9. لماذا محامص دائما يتلقّون عمليّة إعداد على هم الذي حرق خبز محمّصك إلى
بطاطا مقليّة رهيبة لا أحد أكل?
10. الذي كان الشخص أولى أن ينظر في بقرة ورأي "أنا أفكّر كبس مريضة هذا [دنغلي] أشياء هنا ويشرب ماذا يأتي خارجا"?
11. ماذا الناس في الصين يدعوون لوحاتهم جيّدة?
12. إن الأستاذة على [جلّيغنس] جزيرة يستطيع جعلت راديو من جوز هند, لماذا إنحراف هو يثبت فتحة بئر في زورق?
13. لماذا يتمّ حامل قفص [غوفي] على اثنان سيقان عندما [رمين ون] [بلوتو] أربعة? [ثر] كلا كلاب.
14. ماذا أنت تدعو راقصة الباليه ذكريّة?
15. يستطيع أعميت الناس رأيت حلمهم وهم يحلمون?
16. اشتريت إن [ويل] [إ] ذئب يتلقّى بما فيه الكفاية مال إلى بكلّ أنّ قمة [كرب] لما يتمّ لا هو عشاءه?
17. لماذا يكون شخص الذي مقابض مال دعاوا وسيطة?
18. إن دعابات يكونون هزليّة, ماذا يكون إختبارات?
19. إن [كرن ويل] يكون جعلت من ذرة و [فجتبل ويل] يكون جعلت من خضر. ماذا يكون [ببي ويل] جعلت من?
20. إن رجل يكون يمشي في غابة وما من نساء يكونون هناك أن يسمع ه هو بعد يظلم?
21. لما يكون هو أنّ عندما يقول أحد ما أنت أنّ [ثرس] بليون النجوم في الكون,
أنت يصدّونهم. غير أنّ إن هم يقولون أنت [ثرس] دهانة مبلّلة في مكان ما أنت يضطرّ لمست هو?
22. لماذا أنت تدعو هو كويكب عندما يدعو خارجه النصف كرة, مع ذلك هو باسور عندما ه داخل ك حمار?
23. أنت في أيّ وقت لاحظت أنّ إن أنت يفجّر في كلاب واجهت هو يذهب مجنونة, مع ذلك عندما يأخذه أنت على سيارة عمليّة ركوب هو ب التصق ه رئيسيّة مستقيمة خارجا النافذة?
ال يربح نكتة
بعد كثير تدقيق حريصة, نحن (Laughlab.com) فخورة أن يعلن نا يربح نكتة. استلم هذا نكتة تقديرات [هيغر] من أيّ أخرى شكيمة.
طبل لف .....
زوج من [نو-جرسي] صيادون خارجا في الأخشاب عندما واحدة من هم سقوط إلى الأرض. هو لا يبدو أن يكون تنفّست, أعينه لففت إلى الخلف في رأسه. الآخر يسوط شدادة خارجا ه خلية هاتف ويدعو الطارئ خدمات. هو يلهث إلى المشغلة: "صديقتي ميّتة! أتمّت ماذا يستطيع أنا?" يقول المشغلة, في يسجو صوة مهدىء: "لقطة صحيحة هو يتيح. أنا يستطيع ساعدت. أولى, [لت'س] تأكّدت هو ميّتة." هناك حالة سكون, بعد ذلك سمعت طلقة خردق. الشدادة يعاود صوة على الخطّ. هو يقول: "[أك], الآن ماذا?"
الزوج مخزن!
يفتح مخزن أنّ يبيع أزواج يتلقّى فقط في [نو ورك ستي], حيث إمرأة يمكن ذهبت أن يختار زوج. بين التعليمات في المدخل وصف من كيف المخزن يشغل. أنت يمكن زرت المخزن فقط مرّة!
هناك ستّة أرضية ويزيد الشعارات من الرجال بما أنّ المتسوّقة يصعد الرحلات. هناك, مهما, مزلاج. . .. أنت يمكن اخترت أيّ رجل من أرضية خاصّة, أو أنت يمكن اخترت أن يذهب فوق أرضية, غير أنّ أنت يستطيع لا يذهب إلى الخلف إلى أسفل ماعدا أن يخرج البناية! هكذا, يذهب إمرأة إلى الزوج مخزن أن يجد زوج. .
على الأرضية أولى يقرأ الإشارة على الباب:
أرضية 1 - يتلقّى هذا رجال أشغال ويحبّ اللورد.
الثاني أرضية يقرأ إشارة:
أرضية 2 - يتلقّى هذا رجال أشغال, يحبّ اللورد, وحالة حبّ جديات.
الثالثة أرضية يقرأ إشارة:
أرضية 3 - يتلقّى هذا رجال أشغال, يحبّ اللورد, يحبّ جديات, وجدّا [غود لووكينغ].
"نجاح باهر," يفكّر هو, غير أنّ يشعر يجبر أن يحافظ يذهب.
هو يذهب إلى الأرضية رابعة ويقرأ إشارة:
أرضية 4 - يتلقّى هذا رجال أشغال, يحبّ اللورد, يحبّ جديات, [دروب-] بلا جدال [غود لووكينغ] ومساعدة مع العمل منزليّ.
"[أه], رحمة ي!" هو يهتف, "أنا يستطيع بصعوبة وقفت هو!" بعد, يذهب هو إلى الأرضية خامسة وإشارة يقرأ:
أرضية 5 - يتلقّى هذا رجال أشغال, يحبّ اللورد, يحبّ جديات, [دروب-] بلا جدال بهيّة, يساعد مع العمل منزليّ, ويتلقّى خطّ قوّيّة رومانسيّة.
هو لذلك يغري أن يبقى, غير أنّ يذهب هو إلى الأرضية سادسة والإشارة يقرأ:
أرضية 6 - أنت زائرة 4, 363,012 إلى هذا أرضية. هناك ما من رجال على هذا أرضية. يتواجد هذا أرضية مفردا كبرهان أنّ نساء مستحيلة إلى رجاء.
شكرت أنت ل يتسوّق في الزوج مخزن. راقبت خطوتك بما أنّ أنت تخرج البناية, وتلقّيت يوم لطيفة!
رجاء أرسلت هذا إلى كلّ رجال لضحك جيّدة وإلى [ألّ ث] نساء الذي يستطيع عالجت الحقيقة!
******************************************************
يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار ....................
علم اقتصاد
تقليديّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار. أنت تبيع واحدة ويشتري [بولّ.].
يضاعف قطيعك والاقتصاد ينمو.
أنت تتقاعد على الدخل.
علم اقتصاد
هنديّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
أنت تعبدهم.
علم اقتصاد
باكستانيّ لا يتلقّى أنت أيّ أبقار.
أنت تدّعي أنّ ينتسب الأبقار هنديّة إلى أنت.
أنت تسأل ال [أوس] لمعونة ماليّة, الصين لمعونة عسكريّة
, بريطانيّة ل [وربلنس], إيطاليا لآلات,
ألمانيا لتكنولوجيا,
فرنسيّة لغواصات,
سويسرا لقروض, روسيا لعقارات اليابان
لتجهيز.
أنت تشتري الأبقار مع كلّ هذا ويدّعي
إستثمار بالعالم.
علم اقتصاد
أمريكيّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
أنت تبيع واحدة ويجبر الأخرى أن ينتج اللبن
من أربعة أبقار.
أنت تزاول مفاجأة عندما يسقط البقرة بلا جدال.
أنت تضع اللول على بعض أمة مع أبقار &
بشكل طبيعيّ أنّ سيكون أمة خطر إلى جنس بشريّ.
أنت تشنّ حرب أن ينقذ العالم وتلقّفت الأبقار.
علم اقتصاد
فرنسيّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
أنت تذهب على إضراب لأنّ أنت تريد ثلاثة أبقار.
علم اقتصاد
ألمانيّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
أنت [رينجنير] هم [س ثت] هم يعيشون ل 100 سنون,
يأكل مرّة شهر ويحلببنفسي.
بقرة
برازيليّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
[وهنفر] يتوالد هم الثالثة, أنت
ترتّب لكرة قدم مباراة
وال يربح فريق يحصل هو.
علم اقتصاد
بريطانيّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
هم كلا أبقار مجنونة.
علم اقتصاد
إيطاليّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
أنت لا تعرف حيث هم يكونون.
أنت تكسر لوجبة غداء.
بقرة
جامايكيّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
أنت تغذّيهم مع ال نفسه عشبة ضارّة
أنّ أنت تدخّن. استمعت إلى موسيقى شعبية في جامايكا
لون موسيقى وعجب عندما سيلتفت الرقم إلى ثلاثة
سويسرية علم اقتصاد
أنت تتلقّى 5000 أبقار, لا شيء [أف وهيش] انتسبت إلى أنت.
أنت تحمّل أخرى ل يخزّنهم.
علم اقتصاد
يابانيّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
أنت تعيدهم [س ثت] هم يكونون [أن-تنث]
الحجم من بقرة عاديّة
وإنتاج عشرون أوقات اللبن.
أنت بعد ذلك تخلق جذّابة رسم متحرّك بقرة صور يدعى
[كوكيمون] ويتسوّقهم
عالميّا.
علم اقتصاد
روسيّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
أنت تعدّهم ويعلم يتلقّى أنت خمسة أبقار.
أنت تعدّهم ثانية ويعلم يتلقّى أنت 42 أبقار.
أنت تعدّهم ثانية ويعلم يتلقّى أنت 17 أبقار.
أنت تعطي فوق يعدّ ويفتح آخر زجاجة
فودكا.
علم اقتصاد
صينيّة يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار.
أنت تتلقّى 300 الناس يحلبهم.
أنت تدّعي [فولّ مبلومنت], عال بقرة إنتاجية
وإعتقال أيّ شخص يفيد الأرقام حقيقيّة.
علم اقتصاد نيجيريّة: {فيديراليّة}
يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار
أنت تأكل واحدة ويدّعي هو كان يسرق
دعوة في الشرطة أن يتحرّى
شرطة أوقف كلّ شخص يعيش ضمن [100كم]
يعذّبهم تماما إلى أن أحد ما اعترف
يخطف البقرة
الشرطة بدلا من ذلك جمعوا واحدة بقرة كلّ من
كلّ واحد أوقف
أنت يتلقّى ك بقرة ظهر والشرطة الآن يمتلكون
مواش مزرعة.
{قبائل}
[يوروبا] علم اقتصاد
يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار
[أو] قتلت هما
ورميت [أومب] حزب!
[إيبو] علم اقتصاد
يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار
[أو] جعلت شئ مزيّف جيّدة جدّا من هم
وبعت للسعر من الأبقار حقيقيّة!
[هوسا] علم اقتصاد
يتلقّى أنت اثنان أبقار
أنت تربّيهم حتّى هم أربعة
يتأكّد [أور] جديات أبقار خلفيّة أيضا
وفقط يبقي!
هو فقط نكتة [فولكس]!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ا] مشى رجل كان خارجا عندما هو [فلّ] على الحافة من جرف. بما أنّ هو اندفع نحو الأرض, أدار هو فقط أن يعلق فوق إلى ينتأ شجرة فرع. يحدّق إلى أسفل في 200 قدم قطرة إلى قلة مؤكّدة تقريبا, صرخ هو خارجا: "ساعدتني, رجاء! أيّ شخص فوق هناك?"
عاود صوة عميقة: "نعم, إبنتي, أنا فوق هنا."
"الذي يكون هو?" دعا الرجل.
"ه اللورد."
"يستطيع أنت ساعدتني?"
"بالتّأكيد, إبنتي. فقط تركت يذهب من الفرع وسيمسك أنا أنت"
الرجل يفكّر لعزم, بعد ذلك يصاح: "أيّ شخص وإلّا فوق هناك?"
(هذا كبير العمر غير أنّ [غودي])
[ا] اشترى محامية صندوق من جدّا نادرة وسجائر غالية, بعد ذلك أمّنواهم ضدّ نار [أمونغ وثر ثينغس]. ضمن شهر يتلقّى يدخّن مخزون احتياطيّه كاملة من هذا سجائر عظيمة ودون مع ذلك يتلقّى يجعل حتّى دفعه أولى ممتازة على السياسة, صنّف المحامية إدعاء ضدّ ال [إينسورنس كمبني].
في إدعاءه, أفاد المحامية السجائر كان خسرت "[إين ا سريس وف] نيران صغيرة." رفض ال [إينسورنس كمبني] أن يدفع, يذكر السبب واضحة: أنّ كان الرجل قد استهلك السجائر في العاديّة كيّفت. المحامية يقاضى… ويربح!
في يسلّم ال يحكم وافق القاضية مع ال [إينسورنس كمبني] أنّ الإدعاء كان لعوبة. أفاد القاضية ومع ذلك, أنّ المحامية أمسك سياسة من الشركة في أيّ هو كان قد ضمن أنّ السجائر كانوا قابل للتأمين وأيضا ضمن أنّ هو أمّنهم ضدّ نار, دون يعيّن ماذا يكون اعتبرت أن يكون نار غير مقبول, وكان ألزمت أن يدفع الإدعاء. [رثر ثن] احتملت طويلة وغالية إستئناف عملية, قبل ال [إينسورنس كمبني] ال يحكم ودفع $15,000.00 إلى المحامية لخسارته من السجائر نادرة يخسر في ال "نيران. "
الآن للجزء جيّدة….
عقب صرف المحامية التدقيق, ال [إينسورنس كمبني] تلقّىه يوقف على 24 حسابات الحريق متعمّد!!!! مع ه خاصّة تأمين إدعاء وشهادة من الحالة سابقة يكون يستعمل ضدّ ه, حكمت المحامية كان من قصدا يحرق ه مؤمنة خاصية وكان حكمت إلى 24 شهور في سجن و$24,000.00 غرامة
نحن [دي] أيضا!
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!
**************************************************************************
A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !
Ike Ofoche
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs this list to live by
The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brainteaser
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahuwa’s Interview
Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.
After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.
ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
Ponderables
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.
NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?
email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
The Magician
There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"
This joke submitted by: Lionhart724
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Day
One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.
"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."
This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Woman Author Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back Up?
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break In!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Parking Zone !
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mexican Border !
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
available in: 