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IT IS OUR GLOBAL VILLAGE, LETS MAKE IT WORK!!!
IT IS OUR GLOBAL VILLAGE, LETS MAKE IT WORK!!!
GREATEST TEASERS OF ALL TIMES
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LOS BROMISTAS MÁS GRANDES DE TODAS LAS VECES
Automatically translated into Spanish thanks to WorldLingo

BROMISTAS
¿El pequeño

muchacho de la política A va a su papá y pide, “qué es política? El”

papá dice, “hijo bien, me dejó intentar explicarla esta manera: Im el breadwinner de la familia, deja tan para llamarme capitalismo. Su mamá, shes el administrador del dinero, tan pozo la llama el gobierno. Estaba aquí tomar el cuidado de sus necesidades, tan llamada del pozo usted la gente. El nanny, pozo la considera la clase obrera. Y su hermano del bebé, pozo lo llama el futuro. Ahora, piense de ese y vea si ese sentido de las marcas, “

el pequeño muchacho se apaga tan acostar el pensamiento de qué papá había dicho. Más adelante que noche, él oye a su hermano del bebé el gritar, así que él se levanta al cheque en él. Él encuentra que el bebé ha manchado seriamente su pañal. El pequeño muchacho va tan a su sitio de los padres y encuentra su sonido de la madre dormido. No deseando despertarla, él va al cuarto de los nannys. Encontrando la puerta trabada, él mira a escondidas en el ojo de la cerradura y ve a su padre en cama con el nanny. Él da para arriba y va de nuevo a cama. La mañana próxima, el pequeño muchacho dice a su padre, el “papá, I k fina ahora entiendo el concepto de la política.” El padre dice, “buen hijo, me dice que en sus propias palabras qué usted piensa la política esté todo sobre.” El pequeño muchacho contestó, “bien, mientras que el capitalismo está atornillando la clase obrera, el gobierno está dormido sano, están no haciendo caso a la gente y el futuro está en mierda profunda. ”

Descripciones de las funciones

1. Un banquero es un compañero que le presta su paraguas cuando el sol está brillando y lo desea detrás el minuto que comienza a llover.

2. Un economista es un experto que sabrá mañana porqué no sucedieron las cosas que él predijo ayer hoy.

3. Un estadístico es alguien que es bueno con números pero carece la personalidad para ser contable.

4. Un actuario es alguien que trae una bomba falsa en un plano, porque ese disminuye las ocasiones que habrá otra bomba en el plano.

5. Un programador es alguien que soluciona un problema que usted no sabía que usted tenía en una manera usted no entiende.

6. Un matemático es como un hombre oculto en un cuarto oscuro que busca un gato negro que no esté allí.

7. Un topologist es alguien que no sabe la diferencia entre una taza de café y un buñuelo.

8. Un abogado es una persona que escribe un documento de 10.000 palabras y lo llama un “escrito. ”

9. Un psicólogo es alguien que mira cada uno cuando una muchacha hermosa entra en el cuarto.

10. Un profesor es uno quién habla en alguien sueño de los elses.

11. Un consultor es alguien que toma el reloj de su muñeca y le dice el tiempo.

12. Un comité es un cuerpo que guarda minutos y pierde horas.



El marido


de la mujer del COMA A se había estado deslizando dentro y fuera de un coma por varios
meses, con todo ella había permanecido por su cabecera cada solo día. Un día, cuando
él finalmente despertó, él indicó para que ella venga más cerca.

¿Mientras que ella se sentó por él, él susurró, eyes por completo de rasgones, “usted sabe lo que? Usted
ha estado con mí todo con los malos tiempos. Cuando conseguí encendido, usted estaba
allí apoyarme. Cuando mi negocio falló, usted estaba allí. Cuando conseguí
el tiro, usted estaba al lado de mi lado. Cuando perdimos la casa, usted permanecía derecho aquí.
Cuando mi salud comenzó a fallar, usted todavía estaba al lado de mi lado. ¿Usted sabe lo que? “

“Qué estimado?” Ella pidió suavemente, sonriendo como su corazón comenzó a llenar
de calor.

“Pienso que usted es mala suerte.”

El hombre

de la confesión A está en su deathbed, y su esposa se está sentando por su lado.

El hombre dice a la esposa: “Hon, tengo que decirle algo. ”

Las contestaciones de la esposa: “Sí, usted puede decirme cualquier cosa. ”

Hombre: “Dormí con esposa de su hermana

”: “Conozco”

al hombre: “Y esposa de su mamá

”: “Conozco”

al hombre: “También dormí con su secretaria, Maria”

la esposa pone un dedo a su boca y dice que “sé, mi querido, ahora apenas relajo y dejo el veneno trabajar”.



Preguntas estúpidas

1. ¿Por qué su ginecólogo sale del cuarto cuando usted desnuda?

2. ¿Si una persona posee un pedazo de tierra, lo poseen hasta el final tragan al centro de la tierra?

3. ¿Por qué la mujer linada puso su rimel encendido con su boca cerrada?

4. Porqué es llamó a alcohólicos anónimos cuando es la primera cosa que usted lo hace está parada para arriba y dice
“hola, mis nombres Bob. ¿Im un alcohólico "?

5. ¿Si usted se acoplara un Bulldog con un Shitsu usted conseguiría un Bullshit?

6. ¿Por qué son llamados interior pero pasos de las escaleras afuera?

7. ¿Por qué hay una luz en el refrigerador pero no en el congelador?

8. ¿Por qué el agua mineral que ha goteado a través de las montañas por siglos
tener un uso por la fecha?

9. ¿Por qué las tostadoras tienen siempre un ajuste en ellos qué quemaduras su tostada
a una patata a la inglesa horrible nadie comería?

10. ¿Quién era la primera persona para mirar una vaca y opinión “pienso apretón enfermo estas dangly cosas aquí y bebo qué sale”?

11. ¿Qué la gente en China llama sus buenas placas?

12. ¿Si el profesor en la isla de Gilligans puede hacer una radio fuera de un coco, por qué canto él fija un agujero en un barco?

13. ¿Por qué el soporte Goofy en dos piernas cuando queda orientado Pluto cuatro? Theyre ambos perros.

14. ¿Qué usted llama las bailarinas masculinas?

15. ¿Puede cegar a gente vieron sus sueños y ella soña?

16. ¿Si el coyote de Wile E tiene bastante dinero al lado de todo ese crap de la cumbre porqué no lo hace él compre su cena?

17. ¿Por qué es una persona a que las manijas dinero llamaron un corredor?

18. ¿Si los concursos son quizzical, cuáles son pruebas?

19. Si el aceite de maíz se hace de maíz y el aceite vegetal se hace de vehículos. ¿Qué el aceite de bebé se hace?

20. ¿Si un hombre está caminando en un bosque y no hay mujeres allí oír que él es él todavía agravia?

21. Porqué es que cuando alguien le dice que los mil millones de los theres de las estrellas en el universo,
usted las crean. ¿Pero si le dicen theres pintura mojada en alguna parte usted tiene que tocarla?

22. ¿Por qué usted lo llama un asteroide cuando su exterior el hemisferio, con todo lo llama hemorrhoid cuando su adentro su asno?

23. ¿Usted notó siempre que si usted soplan en perros le hicieron frente va enojado, con todo cuando usted lo toma en un paseo del coche él pega su recto principal hacia fuera la ventana?


LA BROMA QUE GANA


después del escrutinio mucho cuidadoso, (Laughlab.com) somos orgullosos anunciar nuestra broma que gana. Esta broma recibió grados más altos que cualquier otra mordaza.

Rodillo del tambor .....

Un par de los cazadores de New Jersey está hacia fuera en las maderas cuando una de ellas las caídas a la tierra. Él no se parece respirar, sus ojos se rueda detrás en su cabeza. El otro individuo azota hacia fuera su teléfono de la célula y llama los servicios de emergencia. Él jadea al operador: ¡“Mi amigo es muerto! Qué puede yo haga?” El operador, en una voz calmante tranquila dice: “Toma justa él fácil. Puedo ayudar. Primero, déjenos se cercioran de que él es muerto.” Hay un silencio, después se oye un tiro. La voz del individuo se vuelve en la línea. Él dice: “ACEPTABLE, ahora qué?”



¡El almacén del marido!

Un almacén que vende a maridos acaba de abrirse en New York City, en donde una mujer puede ir a elegir a un marido. Entre las instrucciones en la entrada está una descripción de cómo el almacén funciona. ¡Usted puede visitar el almacén SOLAMENTE UNA VEZ!

Hay seis pisos y las cualidades de los hombres aumentan mientras que asciende el comprador los vuelos. Hay, sin embargo, un retén. . .. ¡usted puede elegir a cualquier hombre de un piso particular, o usted puede elegir ir encima de un piso, pero usted no puede ir detrás abajo excepto a salir del edificio! Así pues, una mujer va al almacén del marido a encontrar a un marido. .

En la primera planta la muestra en la puerta lee:

Piso 1 - Estos hombres tienen trabajos y aman a señor.

La segunda muestra del piso lee:

Piso 2 - Estos hombres tienen trabajos, aman al señor, y a cabritos del amor.

La tercera muestra del piso lee:

Piso 3 - Estos hombres tienen trabajos, aman a señor, aman a cabritos, y son extremadamente apuestos.

“Ululación,” ella piensa, pero se siente obligada para guardar el ir.

Ella va al cuarto piso y la muestra lee:

Piso 4 - Estos hombres tienen trabajos, aman a señor, aman a cabritos, son gota absolutamente apuesta y ayuda con el quehacer doméstico.

“Oh, misericordia yo!” ella clama contra, “yo puede estarla parada apenas!” No obstante, ella va al quinto piso y la muestra lee:

Piso 5 - Estos hombres tienen trabajos, aman a señor, aman a cabritos, son gota absolutamente magnífica, ayudan con el quehacer doméstico, y tienen una raya romántica fuerte.

Ella es así que tentado a permanecer, pero ella va al sexto piso y la muestra lee:

Piso 6 - Usted es el visitante 4, 363.012 a este piso. No hay hombres en este piso. Este piso existe solamente como prueba que las mujeres son imposibles a por favor.

Gracias por hacer compras en el almacén del marido. ¡Mire su paso como usted sale del edificio, y tenga un día agradable!

¡Envíe por favor esto a todos los hombres para una buena risa y a todas las mujeres que puedan manejar la verdad!

******************************************************

USTED TIENE DOS VACAS ....................

ECONOMÍA TRADICIONAL
usted tiene dos vacas. Usted vende uno y compra un toro.
Su manada se multiplica y la economía crece.
Usted se retira en la renta.

ECONOMÍA INDIA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted los adora.

ECONOMÍA PAQUISTANÍ
usted no tiene ninguna vacas.
Usted demanda que las vacas indias pertenecen a usted.
Usted pide los E.E.U.U. la ayuda financiera, China para la ayuda
militar, británica para los aviones de combate, Italia para las máquinas,
Alemania para la tecnología,
francesa para los submarinos,
Suiza para los préstamos, Rusia para las drogas Japón para
el equipo.
Usted compra las vacas con todo el esto y demanda
la explotación por el mundo.

ECONOMÍA AMERICANA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted vende uno y fuerza el otro para producir la leche
de cuatro vacas.
Usted profesa sorpresa cuando la vaca cae absolutamente.
Usted pone la culpa en una cierta nación con las vacas y
esa nación será naturalmente un peligro a la humanidad.
usted emprende guerra para ahorrar el mundo y para asir las vacas.

ECONOMÍA FRANCESA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted va en huelga porque usted desea tres vacas.

ECONOMÍA ALEMANA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted reengineer ellos de modo que vivan por 100 años,
coman una vez al mes y se ordeñen.

VACA BRASILEÑA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Whenver crían el tercero, usted
arregla para el torneo del fútbol y
el equipo que gana lo consigue.

ECONOMÍA BRITÁNICA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Son ambas vacas enojadas.

ECONOMÍA ITALIANA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted no sabe donde están.
Usted se rompe para el almuerzo.

VACA JAMAICANA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted los alimenta con la misma mala hierba
que usted fuma. Escuche la música
y la maravilla del reggae cuando el número
dará vuelta a la ECONOMÍA

de tres SUIZOS que
usted tiene 5000 vacas, ningunas de las cuales pertenecen a usted.
Usted carga otros para almacenarlos.

ECONOMÍA JAPONESA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted los reajusta de modo que sean un décimo
del tamaño de una vaca ordinaria y
producto veinte veces la leche.
Usted después crea las imágenes lindas de la vaca de la historieta llamadas
Cowkimon y las pone
por todo el mundo.

La ECONOMÍA RUSA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted los cuenta y aprende que usted tiene cinco vacas.
Usted los cuenta otra vez y aprende que usted tiene 42 vacas.
Usted los cuenta otra vez y aprende que usted tiene 17 vacas.
Usted da para arriba la cuenta y abre otra botella
de vodka.

ECONOMÍA CHINA
usted tiene dos vacas.
Usted tiene 300 personas el ordeñar de ellas.
Usted demanda el empleo completo, la alta productividad y
la detención cualquier persona de los bóvidos que divulga los números reales.


ECONOMÍA NIGERIANA: Usted {FEDERAL
} tiene dos vacas que
usted come uno y que lo demanda era llamada
robada en el policía para investigar
al policía arrestó cada uno que vive dentro del 100km
lo tortura a fondo hasta que alguien admitió que
secuestrando la vaca
el policía en lugar de otro recogió una vaca cada uno
todos le arrestó
tiene su parte posteriora de la vaca y el policía ahora posee
una granja de los ganados.
¡{ECONOMÍA del YORUBA

de las TRIBUS}
usted hace que dos vacas
U les maten ambas
y lancen un partido del owambe!

¡ECONOMÍA del IBO
usted hace que dos vacas
U hagan las falsificaciones muy buenas de ellas
y vendan para el precio de las vacas verdaderas!

¡ECONOMÍA del HAUSA
usted tiene dos vacas que
usted las alza hasta que son cuatro
se cercioran de las vacas posteriores de los cabritos del ur también
y apenas mantienen!


¡Es solamente gente de una broma!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

el hombre del *A hacia fuera caminaba cuando él se cayó sobre el borde de un acantilado. Mientras que él hurtled hacia la tierra, él acaba de manejar colgar encendido a un rama del árbol que resaltaba. Mirando fijamente abajo una gota de 200 pies a penuria casi cierta, él gritó hacia fuera: ¡“Ayúdeme, por favor! Está cualquiera para arriba allí?”
Una voz profunda se volvió: “Sí, mi hijo, estoy para arriba aquí.”
“Quién es él?” llamó a hombre.
“Su es el señor.”
“Puede usted ayudarme?”
“Ciertamente, mi hijo. Apenas deje van del rama y le cogeré”
el hombre pensado por un momento, después gritado: “Está cualquiera para arriba allí?”
(Esto es un oldie pero un goodie)

el abogado de A compró una caja de muy raro y los cigarros costosos, entonces lo aseguraron contra el fuego entre otras cosas. Dentro de un mes que fumaba su reserva entera de estos grandes cigarros y sin con todo que hacía incluso su primer pago superior en la política, el abogado archivó una demanda contra la compañía de seguros.

En su demanda, el abogado indicó que los cigarros fueron perdidos “en una serie de los fuegos pequeños.” La compañía de seguros rechazó pagar, citando la razón obvia: que el hombre había consumido los cigarros en el normal forme. El abogado demandó… ¡y ganado!

En entregar la decisión el juez convino con la compañía de seguros que la demanda era frívola. El juez indicó sin embargo, ése el abogado llevó a cabo una política de la compañía en quien había autorizado que los cigarros eran asegurables y también garantizaron que la aseguraría contra el fuego, sin definir qué se considera ser fuego inaceptable, y fue obligada para pagar la demanda. Más bien que aguante un proceso muy largo y costoso de la súplica, la compañía de seguros aceptó la decisión y pagó $15.000.00 al abogado su pérdida de los cigarros raros perdidos en los “fuegos. ”

AHORA PARA LA MEJOR PARTE….

¡Después de que el abogado cobrara el cheque, la compañía de seguros lo hizo arrestar en 24 cuentas de DELITO DE INCENDIAR!!!! ¡Con su propia demanda y testimonio de seguro del caso anterior que era utilizado en contra de él, condenaron por intencionalmente quemarse su característica de los asegurados y fueron condenado al abogado a 24 meses en cárcel y una multa $24.000.00

nosotros dey también!

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!

**************************************************************************

A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
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Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.

Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.

Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.

Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !

Ike Ofoche


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


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Everyone needs this list to live by

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brainteaser

Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:


On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.




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Ahuwa’s Interview

Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.

After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
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From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.

ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk



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THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,

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1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com


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God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!


Ponderables

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?

Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


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A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke of the Day


Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.

NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?

email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com




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Joke of the Day


The Magician

There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.

After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"

This joke submitted by: Lionhart724




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Joke of the Day

One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."

"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."

The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.

"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."

"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"

"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."

This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine


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1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Woman Author Unknown


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Back Up?

Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:

"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"

Technical Support:

"Did you back up?"

Computer user sincerely alarmed:

"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"


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Break In!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


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No Parking Zone !

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."


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The Mexican Border !

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."

December 25, 2007 | 11:37 AM Comentarios  0 comentarios
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